Perception is everything…

perception is everything…and mine is a little skewed.

i’ve been in a kind of a funk the last few…well, i was going to say days, but really, its been months.  having my health deteriorate so quickly, having 2 non-invasive procedures on my kidney (when i thought only really old people had kidney problems) and then landing in the hospital for four days…not to mention all my normal drama…its really kind of thrown me for a loop here.

i guess i should tackle the subject of work first…as that is the one that has been bothering me the most today. when i’m having drama outside of work, i try to view work as a welcome distraction: 8 blessed hours that i don’t have to think about what is going on in my head, my heart, and everywhere else.  today…not so much.

i’m on a new desk at work, and its only been up and running for about a month.  we’re hurting for people, but the reports aren’t showing the truth of how productive we really are, so we can’t get any more help yet.  the last two days, i’ve felt as though i am the only one working as hard as possible on our desk…especially today, because there was an awful lot of talking going on by everyone else…now, i know for a fact that my perception is off today, because i know that everyone was working too.
not to mention the fact that i always feel as if the questions i ask my coach are stupid…and i feel like i’m bothering/annoying him, even though he tells me that i’m not.

so…yeah.  rough day.

i’m…i don’t want to say upset, but i’m…bothered a little bit by some recent events at home, but i don’t feel as though i have a right to complain, because i don’t pay as much as the boys…so…i don’t know…but i live here too, and i feel that i should have a say in how the house looks, and how its run…but the bigger part of me that feels that i don’t have a right to complain is winning.  plus i don’t want to upset anyone or hurt anyone’s feelings, or be perceived as a pain in the ass.

i’m struggling a lot with my body image.  i’ve put 10 pounds back on, since i haven’t been able to work out…and i desperately want to work out, but i’m scared to, because i don’t want to hurt myself anymore…just when my knees started feeling better, my kidneys started having problems…and now that i’ve put weight back on, my knees hurt again.  i want to go to the gym to start slowly easing myself back into a routine, but again…i’m scared of over doing it.  i taught class on sunday, and i’m still aching from that…

there’s not only the fat issue though, but my face has been breaking out more and more and i feel hideous.  now before you all start commenting about how beautiful i am…i appreciate your opinions.  i don’t happen to share them.  i want to feel beautiful…not like a hideous cow who has to wear tons of damn cover up to hide all the damn zits she has on her chin.

plus, it doesn’t help matters that i’m still painfully single.  the one i love doesn’t love me in that way, and so…i go out and try to find someone else who will.  the only problem with that is: 1.  i don’t really want anyone else.  2.  the ones that i AM interested in getting to know are not interested in me.

i just want to someone to hold me at night, tell me that he loves me, and tell me how beautiful he thinks i am…and for me to be able to tell him how much i love him, and how wonderful he is…

maybe someday…
but for right now…all i have to cling to is hope, and its dwindling for me.

i have so many dreams, and things that i want to do…and i can’t do them because of money.  i want to finish my book but i don’t have time…between working and trying to have a little bit of a social life…i’m exhausted half the time.  plus…i’m so busy trying to figure out how i’m going to pay my doctor bills…i want to travel and dance and teach…but i can’t afford it…i want to dye my hair blue and i can’t because of work… 😉

i’m really trying not to worry about things…trying to go with the flow, and stay positive…but i’m struggling a lot.

anyway.  i think that’s enough complaining for the night.

i’m going to go throw myself into doing laundry and cleaning the mess that is my room…i appreciate everyone listening…