all i am is empty

i hear the thunder outside my window…and feel it echoing within the walls of my emptiness.

all i am is empty…my heart, my soul.

in my mind there remain only shadows…images of the hope that i once held to.  hope itself has gone.

i’ve felt heartbreak before, but this feels different.  instead of just a crack in my heart, i feel that it has been crushed…all that remains is dust.  not even a single piece with which to try to mend the brokenness.

how will i ever love again?

tears flow like rivers, and i am powerless to stop them.

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I wish I didn’t. But I can’t help it.

so…for reasons that i am not going to list here at this present moment…there is a small possibility that come december i will be in need of a place to live.  i’m hopeful that things are going to work out to the contrary, but i’m trying to be a little prepared.  just in case things cannot be worked out, i’m looking for other options.

i would really prefer to not have to go back to my parents’ house.  for one thing, they’re already bursting at the seams with my sister and her kids.  also, they’re way the hell across town, and i want to try to save gas money…i work over here, and most of my friends are on this side of town.

the problem is…i would need to live somewhere that would allow me to pay $390…food and utilities INCLUDED in that amount.  i’ve got it really good here, and i love my roommates, which is why i’m hoping that things work out for all parties involved, but we have 4 people with decisions to make…and i don’t know how well i’m going to fare.

so…if anyone has a spare room, that you’d let me live in for $390 or less…i’m a good help with the dishes (most of the time)…i just can’t afford any more than that right now…too many bills and debt.  i’m even probably going to be putting off school for a while until i get things a little more under control and at least know where i’m living.

i’ll keep everyone updated, and won’t keep you in the dark, but i’m just not ready to talk about things yet.

i has a sad

…i’m not entirely sure why i has a sad today…ok, that’s a big fat lie…i do know…i guess i just don’t want to admit it.

See…here’s my problem.  i worry too much.  even when i consciously try not to, i worry.

i worry about my job:

see…ever since i worked at bellagio, and my cunt of an ex boss demoted me for no good reason (she said that i wasn’t doing my job.  really?  it took you 2 years to figure out i wasn’t doing my job? that’s funny, because an ass-ton of other people back there though i was doing a stellar job.  pardon me if  i wasn’t up for kissing your two-faced ass anymore.) i’ve been petrified that the same thing is going to happen to me at ups.  so…i strive for perfection, and i’m terrified of making a mistake.  i know as a fact that my job is nowhere near being in jeopardy, but…i’m scared.  i thought my job was secure at bellagio too.  but now my fear is holding me back, and causing me to break down at work, when i was doing so well before of controlling my emotions…

i worry about my friends:

one in particular right now.  there is a lot of stuff going on in his life right now, and i have a very uneasy feeling about all of it.  i worry for him, even though i know that he’s a grown man, capable of making his own decisions…but because he’s my friend, i want to help and protect him…and i can’t…there is so much i want to say too, but i don’t want to be a pain in the ass…so i keep quiet, but worry nonetheless…

i worry about my money situation:

2 of my 3 hospital bills came in, and i’m having trouble staying on budget anyway, without these added expenses.  i have an ass ton of debt, and now my car is acting wonky again.

i worry about stupid things:

like the fact that i’m 30 years old with no prospects for a real honest to god romantic relationship.  maybe i’m too picky and my standards are too high…but the ones that i’m interested in, for the most part, aren’t really interested in me, or if they are, its for sex only, and i want something real…something poignant…something that goes beyond sex…granted, i want a fun sex life too, but i have that now…

you know you’re hopelessly single when you’re watching a chick flick (“27 dresse”s to be exact), and at the end, during the wedding scene…you cry.  not because its so blissfully wonderful, but because it dawns on you that at age 76, your dad may not live long enough to walk you down the aisle, especially since you have NO ONE that is interested in marrying you.

i don’t understand it.  i’m a damn amazing girl.  i’m smart.  i’m going back to school to get my B.A. in Arabic studies, for fuck’s sake.  i graduated with my A.A. with high honors.  i’m musically inclined as a singer and a pianist, and i’m a pretty damned good belly dancer when i actually practice and choreograph pieces.  (or when i’m really in tune with the music and it moves me to improvise.)  plus…i can actually be kind of pretty when i put my mind to it…when i put effort into it, anyway.  i love foreign films, documentaries, comedies, romances, and even action movies these days.  i love to read novels, biographies, comics, and poetry.  i’m a passionate friend and lover.  i’m open minded, and willing to experiment.  i’m fiercely loyal once you are my friend, and will kill or die for those i love.  ok, so i’m a little emotionally inclined, and i have trouble controlling it sometimes.  don’t most women?  i know that there are some amazing strong women out there, and yes, i am trying my damndest to be more in control of myself in that way…i have a good job, which i am very good at, even with my current worry.  i make decent money and am slowly paying off my debt, even though its not going away as quickly as i’d like.

plus, i make amazing brownies!  what more could anyone ask for? 😉

the combination of all of this bullshit is making me sick.  physically sick.  i’ve felt like shit for the last 2 days, with a migraine yesterday that has started to come back, body aches, stomach aches…fuck, even my ears hurt.  i know that i need to calm down, and release all of the negativity…and in fact, after i’m done with this blog, i’m going to go bake myself some zucchini and squash, put on a movie that has NOTHING to do with romance (“secondhand lions” anyone?) put on my comfy fat clothes and curl up on the couch and relax.

i need new affirmations for at night and in the morning, and i need to do them every day.  i need to release the negativity for good…only then will i be strong.  as maxi jazz says, “if i don’t see that i’m strong, then i won’t be.”

perhaps i’ll do some free writing in a notebook tonight and come up with some really good new affirmations for me…i know i can do this.  i just need to remind myself when things start bothering me, and i start to worry, that worrying does absolutely nothing but make me sick.

*sigh*

i feel so much better, just writing some of that down.  now if you all will excuse me, i’m going to finish my rommie’s laundry, make some dinner, and cuddle up on the couch with myself.

tomorrow night after work is EPIC, which will be fun.  thursday night, i has a dinner engagement (are we calling this a date?  maybe? *blush*) with a lovely lady, and then friday night i may be heading over to brian’s for documentary night…and it actually looks like possibly saturday night too, for disney night. 🙂  if i don’t do movie night on one of those nights, i may hit up 3 toms and make some headway on my belt.  i’ve decided that i want to make black belt by the end of the year, or january.

so…the rest of the week and into the weekend should be really really good.  i just need to calm myself down, and release the negativity, and embrace the positive things in my life.

thanks for listening…