craziness

Why is it that when things start to get crazy in one aspect of your life, they get crazy in another, and it snowballs until it feels like your whole damn life is fucked up?

Dr. Newman thinks that I need surgery for my kidney/ureter.  I’m getting a second opinion.  I went in for a CT today, and got the results…I have 2 more fucking stones.  2mm and 4mm.  Sadly, the stones aren’t causing the blockage in my kidney, so I may very well need to have surgery after February.

I don’t know where I’m going to live come December.  It looks like my roommate’s ex is more than likely moving out here in about 2 weeks, and when our lease is up, I don’t know who is going to be living with who, or how this is all going to pan out.  I know that I’m scared.  I don’t want to go back to mom and dad’s…but I don’t want to be in an uncomfortable situation either…I want to be a bigger person than I’m being right now, and say that everything is going to be ok, but…its going to be really bloody difficult, and I can barely make it three days without crying over this whole situation as it is now.

I don’t know what I’m going to do about my bills…I need extra money, and don’t really have a way to make any…its to the point now that I’m thinking about doing porn.  Sad, I know.

Plus…there’s someone who is interested in me, but I don’t know how I feel about this.  He’s really nice, and he’s kind of cute…but…god, my heart is so broken right now, just the thought of getting involved with someone else makes me break into a cold sweat.  I don’t want to get hurt again…

I know that I can’t hold on to this fear…its crippling me.  I just hate change, and I hate NOT knowing what the fuck is going to happen…I know that I have a feeling in my gut about a lot of this, and I don’t like the feeling at all.  But I can’t tell anyone about it, because people don’t believe that my “feelings” like this are accurate.  Which is fine. Everyone is entitled to feel how they want to feel…

I just want to feel anything but scared, confused and depressed.   Angry, Happy…content…something different.

I will say this…I do feel grateful…grateful to have friends that I can vent to, friends that guide me…friends that listen and offer their advice and opinions…i feel most grateful to a particular friend of mine, who has given me so much over the last 2 years…i’m grateful for him every day.

I have to go take something for this pain…its becoming pretty bad…looks like another damn night that the laundry’s not getting put away.  I just can’t…I can’t do it now…

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