take me away…to better days…

a friend told me that i came up in her tarot reading, and although i’m not going to disclose all of the details here and now, basically, i have a turning point approaching…my “auto-generated” facebook tarot card reading a few days ago said “a period of peace is beginning, let it wash over you.”

i really wish i felt peace right now, and that’s what this blog is about.

for the last month and a half, ever since my last procedure, and especially since the UTI and my surgery…I’ve felt awful, physically, mentally and spiritually.  i’ve come to a breaking point today…where i felt so sad and cried…because i agreed to work overtime tomorrow, and therefore could not hang out with a friend tonight.

over reaction much?

yeah…something is NOT right with my body/mind/spirit connection.

as i was leaving work today, i tearfully stated to my friend that i think my medication is screwing with my head.

he gave me the brilliant idea to check the side effects.  so i did.  for EVERY medication i have been on for the past month and a half, minus one…and that’s only because i’d thrown away the empty bottle and don’t remember the name.  here is what I found:

feeling light headed, confusion, fear, unusual thoughts or behavior, feeling anxious, mood changes

depressed mood, unusual thoughts, anxiety, aggression, feeling restless, confusion, vivid or abnormal dreams, feeling “drugged.”


Zyvox (the $150 one):
Trouble sleeping, agitation, mental or mood changes

anxiety, mental or mood changes, unusual tiredness, fear

tiredness, weight gain, new or worsening mental or mood changes (eg, depression, agitation, anxiety, panic attacks, irritability, exaggerated feeling of well-being, trouble concentrating

rash, mental or mood changes (eg, depression, agitation, anxiety, panic attacks)

so…is it really any wonder i’m having such a hard time controlling myself and my emotions?  not really, no.

i realize of course, that this is not an excuse, and that i need to practice controlling myself, even with these influences.  the good news is,  i’m only taking the neurontin, and either the lortab or vicodin right now.  i’ve finished the other antibiotics, and am trying NOT to take the ambien unless i need it.

so…i’m also thinking its time to try to ween myself off the painkillers and go for regular ibuprofen, or something similar.  at some point this week, i’m going to go buy a big bottle, since i don’t have any here…we’ll see how it goes.  i’m not going to torture myself…if its not working, i’ll go back on the vicodin.  i only have 4 weeks until i get my stent out, and then i should be relatively pain free, provided the neurontin does its job on my leg.

the other thing that i’ve been thinking about regarding my mental state, and my emotional and spiritual well being is that…i really need to cut down the time i spend on the computer.  (she says from her BLOG)

seriously though…i used to read all the time…i used to dance, and listen to music…i used to talk on the PHONE with my friends, and spend time with them…now i sit in front of my computer all the bloody time, and it needs to stop.

for the next few days, anyway, as a start, i’m going to refrain from posting on facebook for a while, and i’m’ going to try to only turn on my computer to pay bills or check my bank account.

i know that i can’t physically dance right now, but i can be listening to music to choreograph when i AM able to dance.  and my doc says that the more i move (within reason) the better i’ll heal…so why not go walk on the treadmill at a slow pace for a half hour?  i can read while i do that, and i’m getting exercise in the process…starting slowly on my quest to lose weight again, until i’m given the go ahead to really work out.

i can watch my dance dvds…i can start prepping for school, that’s starting in just a couple of months…i can start practicing my Arabic again…i can spend time IN PERSON with the people that i love the most…

maxi jazz says “no one can be the source of your content.  it lies within.  in the center.”
well…i’m off to find MY content.  within myself.

i love you all.  thank you for your support and understanding in my quest.

i will also probably keep my phone silenced for a while as well, so please don’t panic if i don’t get back to you right away.  i’m just taking some much needed time for myself.


below is a picture of all of the meds listed…i feel like a goddamned junkie, and want to get rid of ALL of them.


inspiration for February

“Emotional Freedom means increasing your ability to love by cultivating positive emotions and being able to compassionately witness and transform negative ones, whether they’re yours or another’s.  This fundamental living skill liberates you from fear an lets you navigate adversity without going on the attack, losing your cool or being derailed by it.”

~from my Emotional Freedom calendar.  By Judith Orloff, MD.

its 4 am, and i must be lonely…

kind of…but only a little.

i can’t sleep.  partially because i watched a creepy movie this afternoon, but there’s been enough distraction by now, that i should just pass out from how tired i am.

but…to be honest…my mind is reeling right now.  i need some more meditation time, i think.

i’m a little bit nervous about monday…but really, just nervous about the unknown.  not worried…not scared…just nervous.  all of my other surgeries/procedures have been non-invasive.  this one, they actually are making incisions.  i’m nervous about what my pain level is going to be.

more to the point though, i’m thinking of all of the things that i can’t wait to get back into once i’m all healed up and the stent is out.  i’m going to start doing yoga, walking/jogging and working my way up to running on the treadmill, and then when i have the money to buy my own set of DVDs, pull up bar and weights…i’m getting back into P90X.  now that i’m not living with Pat and Morgan anymore, i need my own set of DVDs so i can work out on my own.

i want to tone and firm up, and i need to lose this weight again.  if i ever want to meet anyone and be in a serious, committed, healthy long term relationship…i need to lose weight.  NOT because i think that i won’t meet anyone unless i’m skinny…but because i lose ALL self confidence when i look the way i do now.  and when i look good, i really don’t have that much self confidence to begin with, so, its a big deal.

besides…i want to be comfortable, and i want to up my game when it comes to my dancing.  i want to tone and work out, and really drill myself to death with my technique.

now…just FYI…i am NOT looking for compliments or validation here.  i’m just venting how i feel because i’m exhausted and can’t sleep. 😉
so…yeah.  excited and nervous about monday…its the big step in the journey to getting me healthy again…and let me tell you, i am SO ready.

(this next bit will be TMI for some…so read on only if you REALLY want to know.)

i am hoping and praying that when all this is said and done, i can go back to peeing like a normal person.  no more blood…no more feeling like i’m going to wet myself, going to the bathroom only to have a measly little 5 drops come out…and then repeating the process 5 minutes later, and peeing like I haven’t peed for days….seriously…i feel like a damned old woman.  makes me mad.
but, hopefully…this should fix me up, and i can go back to being a “normal” 31 year old woman. (yes, i know i’m not 31 yet, but by the time the stent is out, i will be.) 😉

then i can get on with my life…i can have sex again without it hurting…i can start back in with the other part of my lifestyle that i’ve missed SO damn much over the last…oh…hell…year?  year and a half almost? with a brief couple of times at the beginning of the year last year, it really has been a long time since i’ve done this activity…(and i’m purposely censoring myself here.  those of you who know, know what i’m talking about.  those who don’t can draw their own conclusions.  its nothing illegal. i’m not a prostitute and i’m not on drugs.)  i can start going OUT again…getting some headway on my 100 shots of jameson…working towards my karate karaoke black belt…and just having fun with my friends.

i feel so damned out of the loop…i feel like i’m the girl that nobody talks to anymore because i never go out anymore.  its not that i don’t want to…i’ve just been too sick.

but soon, that will all be over.


i can’t wait.

and now…i think i’m feeling tired enough to actually MAYBE go to sleep.  we’ll see. 😉