its 4 am, and i must be lonely…

kind of…but only a little.

i can’t sleep.  partially because i watched a creepy movie this afternoon, but there’s been enough distraction by now, that i should just pass out from how tired i am.

but…to be honest…my mind is reeling right now.  i need some more meditation time, i think.

i’m a little bit nervous about monday…but really, just nervous about the unknown.  not worried…not scared…just nervous.  all of my other surgeries/procedures have been non-invasive.  this one, they actually are making incisions.  i’m nervous about what my pain level is going to be.

more to the point though, i’m thinking of all of the things that i can’t wait to get back into once i’m all healed up and the stent is out.  i’m going to start doing yoga, walking/jogging and working my way up to running on the treadmill, and then when i have the money to buy my own set of DVDs, pull up bar and weights…i’m getting back into P90X.  now that i’m not living with Pat and Morgan anymore, i need my own set of DVDs so i can work out on my own.

i want to tone and firm up, and i need to lose this weight again.  if i ever want to meet anyone and be in a serious, committed, healthy long term relationship…i need to lose weight.  NOT because i think that i won’t meet anyone unless i’m skinny…but because i lose ALL self confidence when i look the way i do now.  and when i look good, i really don’t have that much self confidence to begin with, so, its a big deal.

besides…i want to be comfortable, and i want to up my game when it comes to my dancing.  i want to tone and work out, and really drill myself to death with my technique.

now…just FYI…i am NOT looking for compliments or validation here.  i’m just venting how i feel because i’m exhausted and can’t sleep. 😉
so…yeah.  excited and nervous about monday…its the big step in the journey to getting me healthy again…and let me tell you, i am SO ready.

(this next bit will be TMI for some…so read on only if you REALLY want to know.)

i am hoping and praying that when all this is said and done, i can go back to peeing like a normal person.  no more blood…no more feeling like i’m going to wet myself, going to the bathroom only to have a measly little 5 drops come out…and then repeating the process 5 minutes later, and peeing like I haven’t peed for days….seriously…i feel like a damned old woman.  makes me mad.
but, hopefully…this should fix me up, and i can go back to being a “normal” 31 year old woman. (yes, i know i’m not 31 yet, but by the time the stent is out, i will be.) 😉

then i can get on with my life…i can have sex again without it hurting…i can start back in with the other part of my lifestyle that i’ve missed SO damn much over the last…oh…hell…year?  year and a half almost? with a brief couple of times at the beginning of the year last year, it really has been a long time since i’ve done this activity…(and i’m purposely censoring myself here.  those of you who know, know what i’m talking about.  those who don’t can draw their own conclusions.  its nothing illegal. i’m not a prostitute and i’m not on drugs.)  i can start going OUT again…getting some headway on my 100 shots of jameson…working towards my karate karaoke black belt…and just having fun with my friends.

i feel so damned out of the loop…i feel like i’m the girl that nobody talks to anymore because i never go out anymore.  its not that i don’t want to…i’ve just been too sick.

but soon, that will all be over.


i can’t wait.

and now…i think i’m feeling tired enough to actually MAYBE go to sleep.  we’ll see. 😉


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