Love: “a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection. sexual passion or desire. affectionate concern for the well-being of others.”
Love is one thing that I freely give of myself…sometimes I feel the need to give so much I feel that I’m going to die if I don’t get it all out…And sometimes…well, sometimes it makes me a bit crazy.
Having such profound love for anyone, or anything can be a good thing. It drives us…gives us hope…but there also comes a time when you love that person or that thing TOO much…and you start to push it away…
I don’t ever want to do that. I know its my “craziness”…my overwhelmed display of emotion that keeps holding me back. I do well for a long time, and then I feel threatened. and I get scared. and I get clingy. i become emotionally unstable…and in the rarest of circumstances, I even become violent.
I don’t want to be scared anymore. I want to trust. and the biggest problem with that statement is that I DO have trust…but I’m always afraid of the “what ifs.”
I hate the way I behave when I get this afraid. Which in turn makes me hate myself, and I’m trying to get away from that.
so the question becomes…how does one “let go?” when you are gripped with the overwhelming fear of the unknown, and you’re scared for your loved ones, and you’re scared for yourself…how? how can i learn to let go?
this is the ONE damn thing that is holding me back from the things I desire the most…if I could master this, then I wouldn’t be scared to LIVE my FUCKING LIFE…and to let others live theirs. I wouldn’t be scared to sleep alone with the lights off WEEKS after watching a scary movie. (Yes, I still get creeped out about “Paranormal Activity 2.” Couldn’t get it out of my head last night, among the million other things that kept me from sleeping…) I wouldn’t be afraid to go out to a bar by myself and have a drink…and flirt with the cute bartender, or the cute guy from Karaoke. I wouldn’t be afraid to branch out and try to let other people love me too…
I know that my friends love me…i know this fact in my head and my heart and every fiber of my being from my head to my toes. But sometimes…some times it just feels like I give and give and give…and at the end of the day…I come home to my lonely little apartment…eat unhealthy food and watch House…when I would rather be going home to the love of my life (whether I’ve met him yet or not), cuddling, kissing…hearing “I love you”…making love for hours….and THEN eating unhealthy food and watching House. ;)…you know…its THAT kind of love that I’m missing.
I know I need this time in my life. I need to learn to depend on me alone…maybe this was brought on by recent events that have a little shaken…or maybe all of this is coming on because my ex from back home that I was with for about 4 years off and on just told me that he’s engaged. I’m thrilled to death for him. He’s been with this girl for 2 years, and he really loves her…and I’m so glad that he’s happy…but once again…here’s another guy that I was with who is marrying the next girl he dates. (this is number 3 now, and I’m happy for ALL of them. I love them enough to want them to be happy, and I’m glad that they are. But at the end of the day…well…you know.)
Hence the fear of being replaced.
Hence the terror of dating someone new…
Hence me clinging desperately to the hope that someday soon I will hear the words “You know what? Lets just do this…I love you.”
But this FEAR…this is keeping me from having ANY of the happiness that I want. Its keeping me sick. The goddamned fear is crippling.
The beginning of this year was so liberating…burning all of my past hurts, heartbreaks…perhaps I need to do something similar…find some sort of an offering to make…a sacrifice of some kind….a ritual that will help me to finally say FUCK YOU FEAR!
All I know is, I need to do something about this NOW before I lose everyone I love.
Now I get to pull myself together and go out…good thing I saved myself a couple brownies. I need comfort right now, and food is the only thing available to me at the present moment.
I’m not looking for compliments or pity…i’m really not looking for anything but an outlet right now. Only certain people can see this blog, and for various reasons…its visible to those I trust…and to those I love.