interesting thoughts

things have been…interesting for me over the last couple of weeks.

while for the most part i’ve been feeling much better physically, give or take a few days of bad pain, my emotions have been all kinds of out of whack.  i’ve been feeling more sensitive than usual…things that i normally don’t mind have been bothering me a lot, and i find myself falling into a melancholy sort of depression. 

nothing has changed though.  i’m still in the same position i was a month ago, and i was happier than i am now.  perhaps being afraid of the unknown with my health is doing this to me?  i need to get over this being afraid bullshit though…i can’t live my life in constant fear.

i’ve been trying to branch out in my “dating” life too…even though i don’t really want to…its a frustrating situation…because i love what i have right now, but i’d like to have a little romance sometimes too…and so i put myself out there for dating purposes, and i can’t seem to catch anyone’s interest…or the ones that i find myself attracted to are married.  i know a good part of what is keeping me from meeting anyone new is my severe lack of confidence…its hard to feel confident though, when you feel ugly, and your clothes no longer fit, and it SEEMS (i said seems.  i’m not saying this is so, it just SEEMS to be) that no one wants you sexually. 

i am taking steps…i’m eating instead of starving myself…not that i was doing it on purpose…i would just either forget to eat, or feel that sleeping was more important.  i’ve just bought myself a pull up bar, so now i can start doing all of the P90X videos again.  i still do need weights, but i don’t need them to start.  i can use the soup cans i have in my cabinets.  i know that once I start working out again, on a consistent basis, that i will see results.  not as fast as i want, but probably faster than before, as my body will be like “thank GOD we are getting all this extra goo off!!!”  i do need to watch WHAT i eat too though, and not eat so much at a time, and also stop eating fast food and fried crap all the time.  (she says as she’s thinking about eating the chicken fingers at Whiskey Dick’s tonight.)

i just want out of the funk…and its fucking hard to pull yourself out of a funk like this.  Things that i used to love don’t make me happy anymore.  it used to be that dance was the one thing that i could always turn to that would make me feel better…and now it doesn’t.  it makes things worse.  i know that i need to buckle down and just slap myself around and say “SNAP THE FUCK OUT OF IT”…

i had confessed to someone last week that this is the closest to suicidal i’ve felt in a long time.  i’m NOT.  let me clear that up RIGHT the fuck now.  i DO NOT WANT TO DIE.  i think that is the most selfish thing a person could ever do, and i am not that selfish.  on the other hand…things have not felt this bleak, gray and hopeless in many years.  i know that there is always hope…and i do still have a glimmer of hope…but…its just a glimmer.  some days i can’t see it at all.  some days its bright as hell. 

the good news is, though, that i still have found solace in music.  the day that is taken from me, my world truly will end…i find songs that communicate all that i’m feeling, so that i KNOW that i’m not the only one who has ever felt this way…i find music that soothes my heart…the sweet melancholy chords tell me that this too will pass…

Don't fade away

My brown-eyed girl

Come walk with me

I'll fill your heart with joy

And we'll dance through our isolation

Seeking solace in the wisdom we bestow

Turning thoughts to the here and everafter

Consuming fears in our fiery halos

Say what you mean

Mean what you say

I've heard that innocence

Has led us all astray

But don't let them make you and break you

The world is filled with their broken empty

dreams

Silence is their only virtue

Locked away inside their silent screams

But for now

Let us dance away

This starry night

Filled with the glow of fiery stars

And with the dawn

Our sun will rise

Bringing a symphony of bird cries

Don't bring me down now

Let me stay here for awhile

You know life's too short

Let me bathe here in your smile

I'm transcending

The fall from the garden

Goodnight

 

 

thank you all for listening.  i’m not seeking compliments, praise, advice, attention…validation…i’m not trying to feed my vanity.  i just wanted to get my thoughts down… as the song says “if i get it all down on paper its no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to.”  its good to purge these kinds of thoughts on paper…so to speak. 😉  within the next couple of weeks, i intend to smudge, try to get a tarot reading, and maybe have a friend realign my chakras…i know a good deal of this is spiritual for me, and i’m just trying to find meaning and make sense of it all.