chose my direction, running forward…

good morning friends.

so…i was thinking about going out tonight, but i’ve decided instead, to stay in and be responsible.  i have a lot of things to take care of that I’ve been putting off for FAR too long.  like cleaning off my desk so i can see it.  and laundry. 😉  and cleaning the vacuum.

so…no karaoke for me tonight, but that’s ok, because its going to be a full weekend of karaoke…all day saturday and a couple of hours on Sunday before my sister’s birthday party.

i also have a date tomorrow night, and i’m kind of agonizing over what i’m going to wear.  part of me wants to really look nice…but part of me just doesn’t give a fuck, and wants to go in my normal every day hippie attire.  hey, love me, love my armpit hair.  i don’t know.

but the important thing about tomorrow is, that tomorrow morning WITHOUT FAIL begins my workout plan.  I think i’m going to start with Kenpo X, that way on Monday, I can do the workouts in the order that I’m used to.  That also give me time this weekend to print out the sheets and guides that I need.  I still don’t have weights, but…maybe I can borrow some…I know at least one person who has offered to loan me 5 lb weights for  a minute…those will be better than nothing to start.  🙂

the thing is…and I’m sure you can all tell this by my last blog…I’m just not happy anymore.  I was happier when I was working out.  I looked better, and I FELT better.  I feel like if I’m EVER going to start feeling healthy again, I have to do something.  I have a plan, too, that I think will help me to take some of the weight off, but I’m hesitant to post it…only because I don’t want to fail.

I just have to take a small step each day…every day is a new day.

I will readily admit to my fear.  I’m afraid that I’m going to fail.  I’m afraid that I’m going to hurt myself while working out.  I’m afraid that its not going to work.  But, for the first time in a long time (or it FEELS like the first time in a long time) I’m telling my fear to fuck off.

Ready?  FUCK YOU LADDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(I know.  some of you are confused.  I’ll explain someday, I promise.)

I don’t want to wallow anymore.  I don’t want to feel like crap because I’m fat, but I’m too scared to do anything about it.  So…I’m doing something NOW.

I’m done being that scared fucking weepy mess.  Its time to become the STRONG Mina.  Happy Mina.  (skinny Mina. lol!)

I’m going to be working on a new budget for myself, and a new schedule for myself too…workouts, nights out, dance time, etc.

Its time for ME to take control of MY OWN LIFE.  All the sitting, and waiting, and hoping, and living for other people has gotten me nowhere, and I’m miserable for it.  and I’m done.

yeah, I know, I know.  You’ve all heard this a million times before.  what makes today any different?  I honestly don’t know.  But I do know that I’m giving this my all, because I’m done.  I’m done being second best.  I want to be the best possible me that I can be.

“Before me plays the endless film
Relentless splinters I recall
Each living thing breahtes life
Only sentiment remains
To liquid born, from patterns formed
The sand descends with blind intent
Where the river takes me will in time be revealed

I cannot turn my feelings down
Beyond my means to turn my thoughts around
Expressed in every word I will ever speak
Brighter than all the stars combined
More than the waters, earth and sky
All that I wish and all that I dream

Over the waves with my hands raised
Dare the wind, lay claim to me
Knowing somehow none could take me
Watching the sun come up in vain
The only reason I can find why I remained
The need to leave the point I came to again and again

It didn’t matter how hard I tried
It took so long to claim that I knew how
Or what it meant to let go of this
To ever say goodbye
Call it destiny, call it fate
Chose my direction, running forward
Each life to learn anew, whatever may come

I cannot turn my feelings down
Beyond my means to turn my thoughts around
Expressed in every word I will ever speak
Brighter than all the stars combined
More than the waters, earth and sky
All that I wish and all that I dream

No creed on earth can replace or provide
In my darkest hour, the comfort I’d feel
Leading me to see I can be more than I expect of me
My beginning and my end
The first and last air that I breathe
More than the sum of everything that I will ever be”