Looper is one of my favorite musical groups these days. They’re kind of indie pop/electronic spoken word, and they are awesome. I looked up the “definition” of the word “Looper” (since they have a song that goes “you’re a looper” and so on.) and one of the definitions kind of hit home with me. “a generic term for a person who is not in contact with the real world.”
Sounds a touch like me sometimes.
Don’t misunderstand…I don’t live off in la la land. But I do spend a fair amount of my time in my own head about things…dreaming, daydreaming…wishing…The Cherry Poppin Daddies have a song called “Lifeboat Mutiny” that contains one of the saddest and truest lines I’ve ever heard: “Real Life could never measure up to my imagination.” That’s how I feel at times. Like the life in my head, the life I imagine, is SO much better than this day to day bullshit that I deal with.
But then I remember what I have in my real life everyday bullshit. (just as a side note, each time i’ve typed “bullshit”, it has started out as “bullship.” just thought some of you might get a laugh out of that.)
i have my own apartment…granted, I really only stay in it on my own 1-2 nights a week anymore…but its MINE. i can decorate it how I want, organize it how i want and clean it how and when i want…and nobody has the right to tell me otherwise. (nobody has tried, either.)
i have the best friend on the planet. not only has he been there for me in ways that nobody else has over the last 3 years, he got me out of my parents’ house, he encouraged me to get out on my own, into my own place. he gives me feedback to help me grow. he’s doing all of the cooking for our P90X venture…AND he’s helping me by working out with me and encouraging me in my effort to get fit again.
in addition to my bestie, i also have many other amazing friends, who even though i don’t really see them often anymore, they are supportive of me, and i know that if i ever need them, they will be there for me…as they’ve proved time and time again…words of support, gifts of love, asking nothing in return.
i’ve lost 7 pounds in 3 weeks. i’m sure i’m down a few inches too…the poundage seems to come off slower on me, but the inches are what really matters. i’m sore all the damn time, but it is SO good…my muscles remember these workouts and are loving the fact that i’m not sitting on my ass anymore. i’m feeling better about myself, and the way i look…i’m starting to not feel quite so hideous anymore.
i had an encounter last weekend that made me feel better about myself than i’ve felt in months…i felt so damn sexy and confident, that i wore pasties and a see through shirt out to 3 toms. i’ve never done anything like that, but i rocked it because i had confidence.
am i still worried about things? of course i am. this is me we’re talking about. do i still wish and hope and pray for a romantic relationship? duh. lol. do i get frustrated about the things that i’m missing out on? hell yes i do. i’m still emotional…and can get a bit off the charts about some of it…but…i feel like i’m finally starting to cope. i’m not letting the fact that i’m “the sick girl” (in my own mind) get the better of me anymore. and if i don’t go out there and go after my dreams…then who is going to?
i want to be a writer. So this week…i’m going to be doing research on how to get grants to write a book. i’ve started a few months ago, to write several naughty short stories and haiku…i have many more in my mind, and i think it would be fun. i also still want to work on writing my memoires…
i want to dance again. my passion is finally starting to be renewed…i’m looking for a new studio to teach out of, and will also be looking into starting to take private classes from the few dancers in town that i truly admire. there are a handful of you and i will be getting in touch over the next few months.
on that note, however, it is time for me to start cleaning the apartment so that my bestie and i can work out and then cook.
thank you all for listening again…but more importantly, thank you for making real life not only measure up to, but exceed my imagination. i love you all.