beauty, love, and a healthy dose of go fuck yourself.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately…I know…dangerous, right?  Even more dangerous since it happens to be that Aunt Irma is visiting.  (If you don’t catch the reference, look up IT Crowd and Aunt Irma on youtube.)  Times like this I tend to get a little more introspective…so…consider yourself warned.

Why do I blog?  Am I trying to attract readers?  Not really, no.  I appreciate when people do read this, and leave me insight on my page…it lets me know that people care about what is going on in my life.  But really…I’m writing this blog for me.  This whole thing was started as an effort for me to write down my journey on finding balance in my life.  The struggles I face…the problems I have…and though they seem to be few and far between these days…my triumphs.

So…with that being said…if you do read this, thank you.  If you’ve seen enough, thanks for coming and be well.  (You were expecting a “Go Fuck Yourself”, weren’t you…ha! Not yet…not yet…)

In my dangerous thinking that I’ve been doing recently…I’ve been thinking a lot about beauty.  What is it exactly that makes a woman beautiful?

Many of you know that I am bisexual…and that it has been AGES since I’ve been with a woman…part of that reason is because I am INSANELY picky when it comes to women…they really have to catch my attention.

My best friend and I often times will people watch, and it astounds me how many times he will say that a woman is “cute” “attractive” “hot” or “beautiful.”  I have to make sure I’m looking at the same woman/girl.

For me…outward appearance is only part of it.  Yes, a woman can be very physically attractive, but if I get a feeling or a vibe from her that she is fake, crazy, vain, whatever…it ruins it for me.  There was a girl that a bunch of my friends and I met several months ago while we were out one night, and everyone thought she was SO beautiful…yeah not me.  From the second I laid eyes on her, I was like…”Yeah, no.  She’s a crazy fake-ass whore.”  Of course, I was told that I was being judgmental, but guess what…come to find out that…she really is a crazy, fake-ass whore.

There is another woman, who is the polar opposite.  Everyone and their brother thinks that she is BEAUTIFUL…and you know what?  She IS.  Physically, she is what I wish I could look like in my wildest dreams. (I’d have to have a bone reduction or something, because I’m WAY bigger boned.)  But when I met her…she is the sweetest person!  She’s not vain, she’s not bitchy…she’s not judgmental at all…I’m very honored to be friends with such a woman:  one who is beautiful both outside AND INSIDE where it matters the most.

Is it the vibe that does it for me?  That feeling that I get when I meet a woman that says “I’m beautiful inside too” or “I may have an ok face and body, but I’m a crazy whore” that determines whether or not a woman is beautiful to me?

My bestie and I have been watching “The Tudors” for the last few weeks.  We’re just starting Season 4 today, actually.  There was a scene recently, where Princess Mary was eavesdropping on a conversation a suitor had with Queen Anne (of Cleves) and the suitor was going on and on about how beautiful Mary is.

It made me cry a little.

I think that I am a fairly attractive woman…its getting better for me now that I’m losing weight, and am starting to feel more comfortable in my own skin again…but what occurred to me when I watched that scene was this:  I will never be that woman.  I will never be like my friend that I mentioned previously…the kind of girl who makes guys do a double take…the kind of girl who has men complimenting them…at least on the outward appearance.

I believe that I have a good heart, and a good soul.  I try my best to help other people, and to be the best person that I can be.  I know that I have a problem with negativity…but I don’t think that deters from my inner beauty.  I believe that my emotions and the struggles I face keep me real.  Keep me grounded.  They keep me from thinking too much of myself, and keep me from becoming vain.

I believe that I am a beautiful person, on the inside.

I just wish that my outside was beautiful too.  As it is now, I can’t remember the last time I was told by a GUY that I look pretty/beautiful, without me asking first “Do I look ok?”  I was told that a dress “was nice”, and that it fit well a few days ago…and nice as it was to hear, its still very different from being told that YOU are beautiful, or look nice, or are “nom nom nom”…you know?

Why does this matter to me so much?  Why is it that I have to hear from someone else that I’m pretty?  Because I don’t think that I am…and its something that I want…and I am working towards being more physically attractive…but all the weight that I lose won’t change my face.  My nose…my hair (even after I color or cut it…)…I’d like to feel like SOMEONE thinks I’m beautiful…

Perhaps this is why I’m still single?  I can’t find someone to love me because I don’t really 100% love me?  I do sometimes.  Just not all the time.

How does one love oneself if you are not loved by others?  (and I’m not talking about the “i love your face” love…I’m talking about “I am so damn in love with you, I want to be with you and marry you” kind of love.)  I know that my friends love me, but…its not the SAME.

Maybe I’m selfish.  But I want it ALL.  I think I deserve to be loved…really and truly and romantically loved…

Maybe I’m looking at this from the wrong angle though…because I AM loved…I know that I am…and I do get romance every now and again…I am on the receiving end of consideration every day…and I’m appreciative of it.

What I want is commitment.  I want a boyfriend…and eventually one day, I want a husband.  I want to be the one who just …does it for you.  You  know?  The first person you think of when you wake, and the last thing you think of when you go to sleep…I want to be desired…wanted…

Maybe it will happen.  Maybe it won’t.

I think sometimes that I’m open to other opportunities…perhaps I’m not AS open to them as I should be…but I can’t help that I’m picky.  I have high standards.  I know what I want in a relationship…and casual sex ISN’T it.  Every guy I’ve met recently has been like “Oh yes. let’s hang out once.  K, you wanna fuck?”  No thanks dude.  I want to get to know someone first.  I want to hang out with you, and really know what you’re about first.  Then I want you to seduce me slowly.  I want you to take my hand in the movies.  I want you to kiss me softly when you drop me off…I want gentle touches, and caresses…I want sweet nothings…I want laughter…

Yup.  Selfish little me…I want it all.

Oh well. Perhaps someday.

Ps…Aunt Irma….GO FUCK YOURSELF.

(see? I saved it.)

A rant…

Ok.  I haven’t really “gone off” about the dance community for a while…I’ve been trying to avoid drama: causing or getting caught in the middle of it…but today, I saw something that bothered the living daylights out of me.

Belly Dance is one of the great passions of my life.  I’ve been dancing for 9 years next month, taking classes, workshops and educating myself about the dance and the culture of the Middle Eastern people.  I’ve started teaching, I’ve performed professionally, and taught workshops, and continue to learn when I can (when I have the money to, which is not NEARLY enough for me…but that’s another story.).  After ALL of this…I still hesitate to call myself a professional…and when I DO perform…I give it my everything to make sure that I am representing the dance as it should be.

That being said, while surfing around the web today, I saw a video of a dancer performing at a show…I got about 25 seconds into it and couldn’t watch anymore.  This show did not have the appearance of being a “hafla” or a student recital…but rather looked like a show open to the general public who do not have much idea of what Middle Eastern Dance is all about, other than the preconceived notions MOST people in the GP hold.  This dancer was not in a professional costume, but in a coined hip scarf, choli and skirt.  She was dancing like a beginner.

Now, before people get all pissy about this:  I am ALL FOR having beginning dancers perform at haflas and student recitals, where the people in attendence are mostly other dancers and dancer families. My girls do.  We are performing at the LVBDI festival this year…for an audience of PRIMARILY other dancers, and dancer families.  But it is MY OPINION (don’t like it?  don’t read it.) that beginners have NO PLACE in professional shows, or shows for the general populus.

We want to present a beautiful and family friendly example of what a Professional Belly Dancer is:  Someone who is PROFICIENT in their dance forms and who understand the history of the dance.  Yes, I said dance FORMS on purpose.  There is so much fusion going on out there…and to be honest a lot of it is crappy fusion.  I’m tired of dancers jumping on the bandwagon of “Fashionable Fusion”…they see something new and inventive, and try to copy it/create something similiar WITHOUT LEARNING EITHER DANCE STYLE!!!!!  Example:  it would be like me watching someone AMAZING doing…oh, I don’t know…Hip Hop Belly Dance Fusion.  I watch this person perform, and it is VERY clear to me through their performance and through talking with them that they have studied extensively in BOTH art forms…and then I run downtown, take 1 or 2 hip hop classes, and proceed to start performing “Hip Hop Fusion.”  uh uh.  NO.  I may be proficient in Egyptian Dance, but 1 or 2 hip hop classes to NOT a proficient dancer make.

In the same respect, one 10 week session of Belly Dance Lessons do not a professional Belly Dancer make.  I will admit, many dancers have a natural talent for this dance.  I’m told that I did when I first started.  That was not enough license for me to don a costume and start performing outside of recitals 6 months, a year…3 years after I started!  No, rather I started performing publically 4 years after taking weekly lessons, a couple a week STEADILY.  And teaching? Well…That was 7 years after my first lesson.  8 years before I taught my first workshop.  And in that time, I’ve studied.  I’ve read.  I’ve taken workshops, weekly classes, and private lessons with world renowned Masters of the Dance and of Middle Eastern Music.  Sometimes I feel it is still not enough.

All in all, the ending of this rant is this:  I’m nothing spectacular or special when I dance.  I’m disciplined.  I worked hard.  I waited and I sought advice from my teachers about WHEN I would be ready to perform.  And even after I was given their blessing, I waited some more.  But I’m sick and tired of seeing 6 week wonders getting out there and performing for the general public when they are not prepared.  I’m tired of seeing dancers jump into “Fusion” without taking the time to learn the basics of Middle Eastern Dance, or the dance that they are fusing.  What happened to integrity?  What happened to elevating the Dance above all the misconceptions?  You want to perform, and you’re a beginner?  AWESOME.  Power to you.  Find a hafla.  Ask your teacher to have a student recital.  Don’t go don your jingly hip scarf and audition at a hookah bar, telling them they can pay you with free food, and you just want “experience.”  No…go take more classes.  Take some workshops.  You don’t know who to study with?  Write to me.  I’ll tell you who some of the best teachers are in the country, and if you can travel, DO IT.

I feel a little better now that this is off my chest.  Now if you’ll excuse me…I’m going to go practice.

another weekend bites the dust

Why, but WHY do weekends go by SO damn fast?

Seriously…This weekend has been an absolute BLUR for me…and I’m exhausted!

Friday night was such a blast…I got to chill with my good friends David and Virginie…we had awesome Thai food, watched some FUNNY stuff (Little Britain and Svettlana anyone?) and drank great vodka and scotch!

Friday night, I didn’t sleep super well, but I got up at 6:30 to watch Fulham play Aston Villa with David and Vivienne over an awesome breakfast.  Good game…could have been a bit more exciting, but it was fun to have football day again. 🙂

then I came home and tried to lay down for a bit…went grocery shopping with Morgan, and watched “the Tudors” while we cooked.  Took a short little nap, and then got ready for GPS’ black belt ceremony last night.

The vibe at 3 toms was back to normal…not my favorite place to be, but I got to spend good quality time with my AWESOME SAUCE friends. Had some really good girl talk, and just got to hang out…but…not sleeping well the night before, and then not getting home till after 4:00AM this morning makes for a LONG night.  😉

This morning, we had a good rehearsal.  Things are coming together quite nicely for my girls’ performance at the Las Vegas Belly Dance Intensive.  I’m excited.

Then, Morgan and I chilled for a bit today…we went for our cheat meal at Chili’s and I had to send my food back…I don’t remember their chicken fingers being so bad!  Our server said that it was the second one today to get sent back, so I’m glad it wasn’t just me…but still…kinda sucked, because I’ve been craving chicken fingers this week.

So…that’s the weekend.  I had some fears disproved last night…namely the one that plagues me sometimes about people not really liking me, but rather, just simply putting up with me because I’m Morgan’s friend and submissive… I got lots of love from good friends last night, which makes me feel stupid for feeling the way I do sometimes…I know that I’m loved…but sometimes, it just feels like I’m last on everyone’s list…like I’m invited to things as an afterthought, or just not invited at all…last night helped to pull me out of that funk a little…my mind is still reeling on other things…occurrences last night, conversations from the last few days…decisions to make, and negativity to battle…I feel I’m making a tiny bit of progress in my quest for balance.  Some days are better than others…some days much worse.

Some days, I want to cry for no reason…and most of the time that I feel that way, I do…much to the dismay of my best friend.  It sucks, because I feel like I’m crying all of the time…Crying helps me to release the negativity I hold inside though…things I don’t want to speak out loud, because they’ve been said, or nothings going to change, or I just don’t want to sound stupid…or just a release of the frustration of my situation…

oh well.

this has turned into a bit of a rambly blog…note to self…don’t blog when exhausted.

i’m off to watch a movie.