I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately…I know…dangerous, right? Even more dangerous since it happens to be that Aunt Irma is visiting. (If you don’t catch the reference, look up IT Crowd and Aunt Irma on youtube.) Times like this I tend to get a little more introspective…so…consider yourself warned.
Why do I blog? Am I trying to attract readers? Not really, no. I appreciate when people do read this, and leave me insight on my page…it lets me know that people care about what is going on in my life. But really…I’m writing this blog for me. This whole thing was started as an effort for me to write down my journey on finding balance in my life. The struggles I face…the problems I have…and though they seem to be few and far between these days…my triumphs.
So…with that being said…if you do read this, thank you. If you’ve seen enough, thanks for coming and be well. (You were expecting a “Go Fuck Yourself”, weren’t you…ha! Not yet…not yet…)
In my dangerous thinking that I’ve been doing recently…I’ve been thinking a lot about beauty. What is it exactly that makes a woman beautiful?
Many of you know that I am bisexual…and that it has been AGES since I’ve been with a woman…part of that reason is because I am INSANELY picky when it comes to women…they really have to catch my attention.
My best friend and I often times will people watch, and it astounds me how many times he will say that a woman is “cute” “attractive” “hot” or “beautiful.” I have to make sure I’m looking at the same woman/girl.
For me…outward appearance is only part of it. Yes, a woman can be very physically attractive, but if I get a feeling or a vibe from her that she is fake, crazy, vain, whatever…it ruins it for me. There was a girl that a bunch of my friends and I met several months ago while we were out one night, and everyone thought she was SO beautiful…yeah not me. From the second I laid eyes on her, I was like…”Yeah, no. She’s a crazy fake-ass whore.” Of course, I was told that I was being judgmental, but guess what…come to find out that…she really is a crazy, fake-ass whore.
There is another woman, who is the polar opposite. Everyone and their brother thinks that she is BEAUTIFUL…and you know what? She IS. Physically, she is what I wish I could look like in my wildest dreams. (I’d have to have a bone reduction or something, because I’m WAY bigger boned.) But when I met her…she is the sweetest person! She’s not vain, she’s not bitchy…she’s not judgmental at all…I’m very honored to be friends with such a woman: one who is beautiful both outside AND INSIDE where it matters the most.
Is it the vibe that does it for me? That feeling that I get when I meet a woman that says “I’m beautiful inside too” or “I may have an ok face and body, but I’m a crazy whore” that determines whether or not a woman is beautiful to me?
My bestie and I have been watching “The Tudors” for the last few weeks. We’re just starting Season 4 today, actually. There was a scene recently, where Princess Mary was eavesdropping on a conversation a suitor had with Queen Anne (of Cleves) and the suitor was going on and on about how beautiful Mary is.
It made me cry a little.
I think that I am a fairly attractive woman…its getting better for me now that I’m losing weight, and am starting to feel more comfortable in my own skin again…but what occurred to me when I watched that scene was this: I will never be that woman. I will never be like my friend that I mentioned previously…the kind of girl who makes guys do a double take…the kind of girl who has men complimenting them…at least on the outward appearance.
I believe that I have a good heart, and a good soul. I try my best to help other people, and to be the best person that I can be. I know that I have a problem with negativity…but I don’t think that deters from my inner beauty. I believe that my emotions and the struggles I face keep me real. Keep me grounded. They keep me from thinking too much of myself, and keep me from becoming vain.
I believe that I am a beautiful person, on the inside.
I just wish that my outside was beautiful too. As it is now, I can’t remember the last time I was told by a GUY that I look pretty/beautiful, without me asking first “Do I look ok?” I was told that a dress “was nice”, and that it fit well a few days ago…and nice as it was to hear, its still very different from being told that YOU are beautiful, or look nice, or are “nom nom nom”…you know?
Why does this matter to me so much? Why is it that I have to hear from someone else that I’m pretty? Because I don’t think that I am…and its something that I want…and I am working towards being more physically attractive…but all the weight that I lose won’t change my face. My nose…my hair (even after I color or cut it…)…I’d like to feel like SOMEONE thinks I’m beautiful…
Perhaps this is why I’m still single? I can’t find someone to love me because I don’t really 100% love me? I do sometimes. Just not all the time.
How does one love oneself if you are not loved by others? (and I’m not talking about the “i love your face” love…I’m talking about “I am so damn in love with you, I want to be with you and marry you” kind of love.) I know that my friends love me, but…its not the SAME.
Maybe I’m selfish. But I want it ALL. I think I deserve to be loved…really and truly and romantically loved…
Maybe I’m looking at this from the wrong angle though…because I AM loved…I know that I am…and I do get romance every now and again…I am on the receiving end of consideration every day…and I’m appreciative of it.
What I want is commitment. I want a boyfriend…and eventually one day, I want a husband. I want to be the one who just …does it for you. You know? The first person you think of when you wake, and the last thing you think of when you go to sleep…I want to be desired…wanted…
Maybe it will happen. Maybe it won’t.
I think sometimes that I’m open to other opportunities…perhaps I’m not AS open to them as I should be…but I can’t help that I’m picky. I have high standards. I know what I want in a relationship…and casual sex ISN’T it. Every guy I’ve met recently has been like “Oh yes. let’s hang out once. K, you wanna fuck?” No thanks dude. I want to get to know someone first. I want to hang out with you, and really know what you’re about first. Then I want you to seduce me slowly. I want you to take my hand in the movies. I want you to kiss me softly when you drop me off…I want gentle touches, and caresses…I want sweet nothings…I want laughter…
Yup. Selfish little me…I want it all.
Oh well. Perhaps someday.
Ps…Aunt Irma….GO FUCK YOURSELF.
(see? I saved it.)