pass the duct tape please…

“Without emotions….without love, without anger, without sorrow, breath is just a clock ticking.” ~Equilibrium

sometimes, here lately, I wish that we had a drug that would take away our ability to feel as deeply as I do.

To go through life not caring…I wonder what that must be like sometimes.

My quest for balance is failing.  Miserably.

I have a bad habit of caring way too much for others, and not enough for myself, and about my own life.

I’ve been trying to balance that out, and I’m afraid that I’ve been feeling like I’ve turned into a selfish person, and it switches back and forth constantly.

I want to not care anymore.

I really do.

I wish that I could just stop caring about EVERYTHING and live my life…

But the caring gets in the way.

The caring SO damn much that you want to scream sometimes…

The fact that your lives are so entwined with your friends lives that their decisions threaten you and frighten you…for them and for yourself…I don’t want to care anymore.

I want to be one of those people who can say “awesome, yeah, have fun.”  and go on about their own business.

But I’m not.

Instead, I sit and ponder and puzzle.

And of course…there’s always my gut feelings and instincts.

I’m grateful for them most of the time, because (contrary to what several people believe) I am right more often than not.

But at the same time…when I have a gut reaction that something is NOT a good idea…I can’t tell anyone.  People don’t believe me.  They say that I’m being paranoid, or I’m wrong, or that I’m afraid, or that its just me projecting what I want, and because the current situation is not “what I want” that of course I’m going to have a “bad feeling” about it.

That’s not so.

I can’t explain it…I don’t know how it works.  I didn’t ask for this gift.  it happens, and I have to make the most of it.

Sometimes I wish I could turn it off though.

Of course, then…what kind of life would I have?

If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be passionate about activities or people.

I wouldn’t be the same person that I am today.

Would that be bad though? For me to be different?  Less passionate? Less weepy?  Less annoyingly pessimistic?  Less optimistic (when I am…lol)?

So over the last couple of weeks, I have been trying to make an effort to “outwardly” care less.

I’m keeping my mouth shut about things that I would normally pipe up about.

and it sucks.

Part of me thinks that my opinion should matter to those that I love, and that I should do whatever I can to express what I really feel and think, so that they don’t think I’m being fake.  I hate fake ass people…and I don’t want to be fake.

But another part of me continues to say that my opinion really doesn’t matter, because ultimately, its not my life.

 

I’ve even tried just not verbalizing what I feel, because lately it seems that everything I say is taken wrong…like its meant to be combative, which its not…I just have a hard time articulating what I feel sometimes…

I’ve tried writing…because most of the time when I write, I can put all of the thought that I need into making sure that what I’m communicating is exactly what I want to say.  But writing only works if your intended audience reads what you wrote…and its hard to not feel ignored sometimes.

I just feel confused right now.

At the core of my being, I am a protector and a servant.  I want to do everything within my power to take care of those people that I love the most, and make sure that nothing bad happens to them, to the best of my ability.  But you can’t help people who don’t want your help, I suppose.

And I will admit…I’m trying to protect what I want as well, but as per usual, what I want is overshadowed by my desire to make other people happy.  Especially when you KNOW that you’re never going to get what you want.

I don’t know.

I’m kind of rambling now, and I don’t want to just ramble on about stupid shit that nobody cares about.

But sometimes…sometimes I just have to get my thoughts down or I will BURST.

 

now, if someone will pass me the duct tape, I’m going to shut my fucking mouth, and try to continue my day without expressing the emotions…feelings…love…anger…sorrow…hate…confusion….hurt…wants…desires…

to let breath be just a clock…ticking….ticking…ticking…

I would walk 500 miles…but it would take a long time…

I just walked 2.5 miles in 45 minutes.  This is a huge deal for me. 😉

I don’t walk anywhere.  The last few months have been the first in my life since getting my license that I’ve been without my own mode of transportation.  Morgan has been amazing in carting me around everywhere…but my car was ready to be picked up tonight, so I walked from my apartment to go get it.

It was a long walk.  I was nervous, because it drizzled a little bit as I was starting out, and I didn’t want to get caught in a downpour…but the weather cooperated, and I was able to pick up my car.

On the way, I had some time to think about a lot of things, and I had something dawn on me.

I’ve been putting myself aside in my own life.

Big revelation, right?  Didn’t I just post about that a couple months ago?

But I have…there was something I was super excited to do about a year ago that I had to put aside because of my health issues…but I’ve been mostly fine since February…and I haven’t done anything to pursue getting back on track.

Until now.

I’m going back to school in the spring.

I’m going to get my degree in Arabic Studies.

I’m going to apply for financial aid, and for tuition reimbursement through work.  I’m going to study and do the things that I want to accomplish in my life.

This is probably going to mean that I will not be going out as much…not that I go out a hell of a lot now, but…it will be less for a while.

I have to do this.

I have to do SOMETHING for myself…with no one’s help or permission, or opinion.  And this is something that I’ve dreamed of doing for a long time now…

So.  I’m going to message my adviser and get information about financial aid, and find out when classes start after January 1.  (this will give me time to sell my costumes and upgrade my computer, get a webcam and mic for the language classes)…

I’m excited.

Its time…time for me to quit talking and start DOING.