Have I found the source of my content?

“No one can be the source of your content…it lies within. In the center.”(~Faithless)

I believe that allowing others to contibute to your content is a good thing…but placing the burden of your happiness completely on another person is both cruel and unwise. You are the contoller of your own life, not your boyfriend, girlfriend, lover, partner parent or child. Take charge of your own life and happiness, and relieve those you love of the task, and everything will fall into place… ♥

Circumstantial post? Perhaps.  I did have an exceptional weekend.  But the thing is…had my weekend gone differently, I think I would still feel this way. 

There were tense moments…rude words, looks, anger, frustration, sadness…and of course, awe, love, happiness, joy and elation.

So it had been a rollercoaster of emotions, and feelings all weekend.  I don’t do well with change, and my plans for the weekend changed.  Not drastically, but it kind of threw a wrench into what I had all planned out and scheduled…on a normal basis, I would have just been stompy, angry and mopey.  But, I looked at the situation for what it was, and saw the positive things about it (and there were plenty) and got over the minor “omg my plans changed” moment I had.

Today was not a great day at work.  It wasn’t bad by any means…but it was long, and boring, and I was exhausted. 

And yet.

I feel this…calm.  Peace maybe?

“Quiet, still, you feel there’s nothing going on
Until you realize the space behind your eyes
Is filling up with something like peace
As your thoughts cease and
Pleasure grows in your soul.” (~Faithless again)

I don’t know…I’ve had moments like this off and on since the new year…but the best part is…its been mostly on. Yes, I have my pissy moments and I rant about work.  Yes, I do get angry about other things and have conversations with myself until I feel better. 

But then I DO feel better!  I haven’t been dwelling on the crappiness lately, and I LOVE that. 

Saturday night, I was not in the best mood.  I’d had a spectacular day…got my hair done, and was super happy with it…but I was tired, and didn’t get a nap, I wasn’t singing well…I worked on my day off..I wasn’t a super happy camper…but I still felt content. 

I was pleased to see my friends that I hadn’t seen in a long time (Paul and the Wombles…you guys especially)…I was thrilled that Jessa had let me keep her car so I could go home and go to bed at a decent hour.

Even yesterday, there were some tense moments…but instead of getting mopey like I do, I was quiet and peaceful.  And the day ended up being lovely.  (The night was better because the Tool concert was fucking EPIC…but all in all, lovely day.)

I don’t know what it was that struck me today.  I’ve heard the song “Liontamer” a million times.  I know the beginning quote by heart:

“If you place a thing in the center of your life
That lacks the power to nourish
It will eventually poison everything that you are
And destroy you

As simple a thing as an idea
Or your perspective on yourself or the world
No one can be the source of your content,
It lies within, in the center. “

Maybe it was because I was walking outside…feeling the sun on my face, enjoying the cool breeze…maybe its just time that I finally got it.

So many of us, and I am SO guilty of this, whether we know it or not, place this huge burden on our loved ones to make us happy. Boyfriends, girlfriends, lovers, friends, parents, children…coworkers, strangers…we turn power over to these people to make or break how we are feeling at any given time. 

“He makes me so happy.”

“I’ve never been so happy as I am with her.”

“She’s making me so angry.”

“He makes me sad”

“My child broke my heart.”

“that server is pissing me off.”

and so on…

Up until THIS YEAR.  January 1, 2012, I have done that.  My whole life. 

but the thing is…even if the person that we place this burden on (and it IS a burden…trying to take care of yourself AND make the person that you’re with/your best friend/your child happy…that’s a LOT to place on one person.)does a fairly good job of keeping you happy…they won’t ALL the time.  Neither will you.  You will not make other people happy all of the time either.

Does that mean that we or they should stop trying?  Of course not.  We should allow others to contribute to our happiness and contentment with life. 

But the only one who can really bring you true happiness is yourself. 

This has been a lesson that I have needed to learn for a long time.  Do I think that I will always remember it?  Of course not.  I’m not perfect.  This epiphany is awesome, but its not ALWAYS going to stick with me.

I’ve been spending more time on my own lately, sometimes by choice, sometimes by necessity.  I’m really starting to discover that I’m ok by myself.  I don’t prefer it…I love being around people, and spending time with my friends and the people I love.  I’d rather be surrounded by the handful of people that I truly care about, and who I KNOW love me too that be all by myself, but who wouldn’t? 

The thing is…I really have been ok by myself, for what feels like the first time in my life. 

My apartment even feels more like home than any of the places I’ve lived previously…and I haven’t even smudged it yet. 

There is something about this year…maybe a change is coming, and the Universe is telling me that I had better start preparing for the worst…maybe the Universe is gearing me up for all my dreams to come true…who knows?

What I do know is this…

I feel amazing.

And…I know that when I do not place expectations for my happiness on others…not only do I feel better (because I’m not disappointed) but THEY feel better too…at least about that.  I can only do what I can do about the other things in their lives…but…I’M NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR HAPPINESS EITHER.  I love to contribute…I love doing things to make my friends smile.  Giving gifts, being affectionate…its scientifically proven that hugging someone makes you feel happier.  🙂  I love to hug people (and kiss.  I am a kissing whore after all.) and to just generally be affectionate…but I’m not responsible for how they feel at all times…nor are they for me. 🙂  Lately, I’m all about lessening the stress for my loved ones, in any and all ways that I can.  Yeah, I still fail sometimes…but I think I’ve been doing better…I don’t fall apart anymore.  I’ve had ONE day. ONE this year so far that I’ve just been a WRECK. 

Sure, I have cried a couple times…or teared up a little bit is more like it…not full out crying, losing my mind crazy like I was just a few short months ago…

I feel…peaceful. 

and I like it.

I have to remind myself every day, that I am the only one who will ever really be responsible for my own happiness…to try to place that responsibility on another person is cruel.  Only I can truly know what I want and need from life. 

*contented sigh*

Now it is time for karaoke with friends, and more writing…of another kind. 😉

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Another year bites the dust…

What a year 2011 was.  Ups, downs, hospital stays, fights, arguments, discovered many many MANY new things, made new friends and learned some very important lessons. 

One of the greatest lessons I learned this year, and it may sound really horrible, but it is, in fact, a true story, is this:  You have to be #1 on your own list, because you probably are not #1 on anyone else’s.  You have to think about your own happiness, and not rely on others to provide it for you, or you will end up like me this last year: miserable. 

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always looked to others for my happiness.  Doing things for others, looking to friends for validation of the awesome person that I’ve always wanted to be.  And guess where that’s gotten me?  That’s right.  Nowhere. 

So, after an epiphany of sorts, I’ve decided that there is really only one resolution for me this year:

Be #1 on your own list.

This is going to require a few sub “resolutions” of course…

Find and follow your bliss.

Do things that YOU like to do WHEN you want to do them.

Stop waiting.

Stop being scared.

Get your ass in gear and make the changes you keep talking about instead of worrying about the how. 

Be like nike:  JUST FUCKING DO IT.

Stop putting up with behaviors that are detrimental to your happiness.

Don’t be around people who don’t build you up.

Remember how AWESOME you really are.

Remember that you deserve all the love and the happiness that you WANT. 

I don’t expect any of this to be easy.  In fact, I may be in for another rough and emotional year.  Change is hard, and sometimes painful.  But the way I look at it is this…it can’t hurt NEARLY as much as being miserable does. 

And I’m done.  I need my independence back.  Hell, I don’t know if I ever really had independence to begin with, but I need it now. 

I’m done being the downer in my group of friends. 

I’m done being the one who cries when she’s had too much to drink. 

I’m done being self destructive. 

I’m done being depressed. 

FUCK YOU LADDER!  I CAN CLIMB HIGHER THAN EVER BEFORE!!!!

And the reason I can is because I matter.  I may not matter to many people, I may not matter in the ways that I want to matter to them…but guess what.  I matter to myself.  And I know that I have some people in my life that I do matter to.  People that knew that had I stayed home ALL night last night, I’d have gotten myself drunk and been a crying mess.  So these people kept after me about coming out to a party.  To the point of being a little annoying about it, actually, but before that “annoying” could hit, a voice spoke up in my head and said “Listen to them, Mina.  They love you.  They are doing what friends SHOULD do.  They are looking out for YOUR best interest.  Remember what you always complain that no one ever does?  They are doing it.” 

Getting out the door last night was harder than I thought it would be.  I didn’t want to go.  And then, I got myself lost.  Do you believe that?  I’ve driven to that house more time than I can remember.  And I got LOST.  I took the wrong exit TWICE.  My brain was saying “This isn’t worth it…you have a headache and you feel like crap, just go home and apologize.” 

But my heart spoke up.  “Go.  They will miss you.  You NEED this, Mina.  You need to be out with the people who really care about you.” 

And so I went.  And can I tell you how AMAZING it felt, walking in the door and into the kitchen, and having the whole room yell “YAY!!!”  when I walked in?  Yeah, I’m crying just thinking about how amazing and loved that made me feel. 

And then, after I got home, I was laying in bed watching “Hogfather” wishing my head would stop pounding, and I got to thinking…why do I not spend more time with these people?  I love them all SO very much…Why do I not spend more time with my friends, rather than being alone?  Seriously.  I have ONE friend that I see on a regular basis.  One .

Granted, it is hard for me to go out a lot, because I don’t have a car that I can drive legally anymore…and I know that I have people who will pick me up, but…then I’m at their mercy for when it comes to leaving…and sometimes I just don’t like to be out very long. 

But…I’ve decided that I’m going to pick up a second job that I can do from home, and I’m going to try to buy a scooter, super cheap.  That way, I can take my own ass to work, and to places that I want to go WHENEVER THE FUCK I WANT.  I won’t have to rely on my friends down the street to take me to the store.  I won’t have to rely on my best friend to take me to work.  And, most importantly, I won’t have to take the bus.  *shudders*

 

So…this year really is going to be about me, for me.  Because while I know that the WHOLE world doesn’t revolve around me…my own world should.  Of course, I will still continue to take other people into consideration…that’s just in my nature.  I’m not a vain or self centered person to think that EVERYTHING has to be about me (contrary to what some believe.).  But my own damn life should be about me, and the people that I choose to have in my life. 

That’s not to say that I may not need a slap in the face sometimes, if I do begin to act TOO selfish.  But…I have to be #1 on my own list.  I need to put my own needs above other people’s needs sometimes.  Not all the time…that would be awful, and then I would become like so many people I can’t stand. 

It all comes down to finding balance. 

This year is the year that I WILL find a balance.