What a year 2011 was. Ups, downs, hospital stays, fights, arguments, discovered many many MANY new things, made new friends and learned some very important lessons.
One of the greatest lessons I learned this year, and it may sound really horrible, but it is, in fact, a true story, is this: You have to be #1 on your own list, because you probably are not #1 on anyone else’s. You have to think about your own happiness, and not rely on others to provide it for you, or you will end up like me this last year: miserable.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always looked to others for my happiness. Doing things for others, looking to friends for validation of the awesome person that I’ve always wanted to be. And guess where that’s gotten me? That’s right. Nowhere.
So, after an epiphany of sorts, I’ve decided that there is really only one resolution for me this year:
Be #1 on your own list.
This is going to require a few sub “resolutions” of course…
Find and follow your bliss.
Do things that YOU like to do WHEN you want to do them.
Stop being scared.
Get your ass in gear and make the changes you keep talking about instead of worrying about the how.
Be like nike: JUST FUCKING DO IT.
Stop putting up with behaviors that are detrimental to your happiness.
Don’t be around people who don’t build you up.
Remember how AWESOME you really are.
Remember that you deserve all the love and the happiness that you WANT.
I don’t expect any of this to be easy. In fact, I may be in for another rough and emotional year. Change is hard, and sometimes painful. But the way I look at it is this…it can’t hurt NEARLY as much as being miserable does.
And I’m done. I need my independence back. Hell, I don’t know if I ever really had independence to begin with, but I need it now.
I’m done being the downer in my group of friends.
I’m done being the one who cries when she’s had too much to drink.
I’m done being self destructive.
I’m done being depressed.
FUCK YOU LADDER! I CAN CLIMB HIGHER THAN EVER BEFORE!!!!
And the reason I can is because I matter. I may not matter to many people, I may not matter in the ways that I want to matter to them…but guess what. I matter to myself. And I know that I have some people in my life that I do matter to. People that knew that had I stayed home ALL night last night, I’d have gotten myself drunk and been a crying mess. So these people kept after me about coming out to a party. To the point of being a little annoying about it, actually, but before that “annoying” could hit, a voice spoke up in my head and said “Listen to them, Mina. They love you. They are doing what friends SHOULD do. They are looking out for YOUR best interest. Remember what you always complain that no one ever does? They are doing it.”
Getting out the door last night was harder than I thought it would be. I didn’t want to go. And then, I got myself lost. Do you believe that? I’ve driven to that house more time than I can remember. And I got LOST. I took the wrong exit TWICE. My brain was saying “This isn’t worth it…you have a headache and you feel like crap, just go home and apologize.”
But my heart spoke up. “Go. They will miss you. You NEED this, Mina. You need to be out with the people who really care about you.”
And so I went. And can I tell you how AMAZING it felt, walking in the door and into the kitchen, and having the whole room yell “YAY!!!” when I walked in? Yeah, I’m crying just thinking about how amazing and loved that made me feel.
And then, after I got home, I was laying in bed watching “Hogfather” wishing my head would stop pounding, and I got to thinking…why do I not spend more time with these people? I love them all SO very much…Why do I not spend more time with my friends, rather than being alone? Seriously. I have ONE friend that I see on a regular basis. One .
Granted, it is hard for me to go out a lot, because I don’t have a car that I can drive legally anymore…and I know that I have people who will pick me up, but…then I’m at their mercy for when it comes to leaving…and sometimes I just don’t like to be out very long.
But…I’ve decided that I’m going to pick up a second job that I can do from home, and I’m going to try to buy a scooter, super cheap. That way, I can take my own ass to work, and to places that I want to go WHENEVER THE FUCK I WANT. I won’t have to rely on my friends down the street to take me to the store. I won’t have to rely on my best friend to take me to work. And, most importantly, I won’t have to take the bus. *shudders*
So…this year really is going to be about me, for me. Because while I know that the WHOLE world doesn’t revolve around me…my own world should. Of course, I will still continue to take other people into consideration…that’s just in my nature. I’m not a vain or self centered person to think that EVERYTHING has to be about me (contrary to what some believe.). But my own damn life should be about me, and the people that I choose to have in my life.
That’s not to say that I may not need a slap in the face sometimes, if I do begin to act TOO selfish. But…I have to be #1 on my own list. I need to put my own needs above other people’s needs sometimes. Not all the time…that would be awful, and then I would become like so many people I can’t stand.
It all comes down to finding balance.
This year is the year that I WILL find a balance.