Have I found the source of my content?

“No one can be the source of your content…it lies within. In the center.”(~Faithless)

I believe that allowing others to contibute to your content is a good thing…but placing the burden of your happiness completely on another person is both cruel and unwise. You are the contoller of your own life, not your boyfriend, girlfriend, lover, partner parent or child. Take charge of your own life and happiness, and relieve those you love of the task, and everything will fall into place… ♥

Circumstantial post? Perhaps.  I did have an exceptional weekend.  But the thing is…had my weekend gone differently, I think I would still feel this way. 

There were tense moments…rude words, looks, anger, frustration, sadness…and of course, awe, love, happiness, joy and elation.

So it had been a rollercoaster of emotions, and feelings all weekend.  I don’t do well with change, and my plans for the weekend changed.  Not drastically, but it kind of threw a wrench into what I had all planned out and scheduled…on a normal basis, I would have just been stompy, angry and mopey.  But, I looked at the situation for what it was, and saw the positive things about it (and there were plenty) and got over the minor “omg my plans changed” moment I had.

Today was not a great day at work.  It wasn’t bad by any means…but it was long, and boring, and I was exhausted. 

And yet.

I feel this…calm.  Peace maybe?

“Quiet, still, you feel there’s nothing going on
Until you realize the space behind your eyes
Is filling up with something like peace
As your thoughts cease and
Pleasure grows in your soul.” (~Faithless again)

I don’t know…I’ve had moments like this off and on since the new year…but the best part is…its been mostly on. Yes, I have my pissy moments and I rant about work.  Yes, I do get angry about other things and have conversations with myself until I feel better. 

But then I DO feel better!  I haven’t been dwelling on the crappiness lately, and I LOVE that. 

Saturday night, I was not in the best mood.  I’d had a spectacular day…got my hair done, and was super happy with it…but I was tired, and didn’t get a nap, I wasn’t singing well…I worked on my day off..I wasn’t a super happy camper…but I still felt content. 

I was pleased to see my friends that I hadn’t seen in a long time (Paul and the Wombles…you guys especially)…I was thrilled that Jessa had let me keep her car so I could go home and go to bed at a decent hour.

Even yesterday, there were some tense moments…but instead of getting mopey like I do, I was quiet and peaceful.  And the day ended up being lovely.  (The night was better because the Tool concert was fucking EPIC…but all in all, lovely day.)

I don’t know what it was that struck me today.  I’ve heard the song “Liontamer” a million times.  I know the beginning quote by heart:

“If you place a thing in the center of your life
That lacks the power to nourish
It will eventually poison everything that you are
And destroy you

As simple a thing as an idea
Or your perspective on yourself or the world
No one can be the source of your content,
It lies within, in the center. “

Maybe it was because I was walking outside…feeling the sun on my face, enjoying the cool breeze…maybe its just time that I finally got it.

So many of us, and I am SO guilty of this, whether we know it or not, place this huge burden on our loved ones to make us happy. Boyfriends, girlfriends, lovers, friends, parents, children…coworkers, strangers…we turn power over to these people to make or break how we are feeling at any given time. 

“He makes me so happy.”

“I’ve never been so happy as I am with her.”

“She’s making me so angry.”

“He makes me sad”

“My child broke my heart.”

“that server is pissing me off.”

and so on…

Up until THIS YEAR.  January 1, 2012, I have done that.  My whole life. 

but the thing is…even if the person that we place this burden on (and it IS a burden…trying to take care of yourself AND make the person that you’re with/your best friend/your child happy…that’s a LOT to place on one person.)does a fairly good job of keeping you happy…they won’t ALL the time.  Neither will you.  You will not make other people happy all of the time either.

Does that mean that we or they should stop trying?  Of course not.  We should allow others to contribute to our happiness and contentment with life. 

But the only one who can really bring you true happiness is yourself. 

This has been a lesson that I have needed to learn for a long time.  Do I think that I will always remember it?  Of course not.  I’m not perfect.  This epiphany is awesome, but its not ALWAYS going to stick with me.

I’ve been spending more time on my own lately, sometimes by choice, sometimes by necessity.  I’m really starting to discover that I’m ok by myself.  I don’t prefer it…I love being around people, and spending time with my friends and the people I love.  I’d rather be surrounded by the handful of people that I truly care about, and who I KNOW love me too that be all by myself, but who wouldn’t? 

The thing is…I really have been ok by myself, for what feels like the first time in my life. 

My apartment even feels more like home than any of the places I’ve lived previously…and I haven’t even smudged it yet. 

There is something about this year…maybe a change is coming, and the Universe is telling me that I had better start preparing for the worst…maybe the Universe is gearing me up for all my dreams to come true…who knows?

What I do know is this…

I feel amazing.

And…I know that when I do not place expectations for my happiness on others…not only do I feel better (because I’m not disappointed) but THEY feel better too…at least about that.  I can only do what I can do about the other things in their lives…but…I’M NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR HAPPINESS EITHER.  I love to contribute…I love doing things to make my friends smile.  Giving gifts, being affectionate…its scientifically proven that hugging someone makes you feel happier.  🙂  I love to hug people (and kiss.  I am a kissing whore after all.) and to just generally be affectionate…but I’m not responsible for how they feel at all times…nor are they for me. 🙂  Lately, I’m all about lessening the stress for my loved ones, in any and all ways that I can.  Yeah, I still fail sometimes…but I think I’ve been doing better…I don’t fall apart anymore.  I’ve had ONE day. ONE this year so far that I’ve just been a WRECK. 

Sure, I have cried a couple times…or teared up a little bit is more like it…not full out crying, losing my mind crazy like I was just a few short months ago…

I feel…peaceful. 

and I like it.

I have to remind myself every day, that I am the only one who will ever really be responsible for my own happiness…to try to place that responsibility on another person is cruel.  Only I can truly know what I want and need from life. 

*contented sigh*

Now it is time for karaoke with friends, and more writing…of another kind. 😉


One thought on “Have I found the source of my content?

  1. I love you my beautiful friend. I am happy that you are content and happy 🙂 You deserve the best! And since you know you the best, I guess the best for you is you! LOL 😉

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