I’m sitting up at Starbucks this morning, 2 hours before I have to work. Morgan has been working 10 hour days since January, and since we carpool…I usually have some time to kill. Normally, I’d be trying to sleep, but I got plenty of rest last night, and I’ve got a lot of things on my mind.
I’ve been on new anti-depressants for almost 2 weeks now. I’d like to think that they are helping me to balance out my awful mood swings. I do think they are working…but given the fact that Aunt Irma is visiting this week, and some circumstances over the last couple of days, I’m feeling angsty and emotional today.
The funny thing is, I’m not sad. I’m angry. Well, ok and a little…down.
I’m angry because there are many situations occurring around me that I am unable to control. Not that I need to, because its not anything in MY personal life…but my best and closest friends are being effected…and in a negative way. I want to bulldoze all of their problems so that they can be happy. Health problems? Gone. Money issues? Not anymore. Car trouble? Fixed. Relationship issues? Resolved.
But I can’t do that. And even if I *could* do that, I shouldn’t. A good friend reminded me yesterday that there is a reason that my friends are experiencing these things. I can’t take them away, because there would be no learning experience for them.
And it also provides a learning experience for me.
I’m learning much more about myself from watching these events unfold. Some of the things I’m learning, I don’t like so much.
For example…one of my friends has been very down, and negative lately, for good reason. Everything gets to this person, and even attempts to make them laugh backfire. This morning, I felt as though the Universe was holding up a mirror. Is this how *I* appear, when I’m in my moods? Is how I’m feeling right now, the frustration that NOTHING I do gets them out of their funk how everyone else feels about me when I’m like that?
I’m glad I’m on these new meds. Even though I know that they are not “happy pills,” and that I will not always be in an amazing mood…if they help me to NOT go back to this place…
I don’t ever want to be like that EVER again. Focusing on all the negative ALL the time…failing to see the little bit of good that IS going on…or if I do see it, failing to acknowledge it…
I’m feeling down for the same old bullshit reasons. Trying to focus my energy on what I DO have, rather than what I don’t have. Its hard, but I’ve been doing a little better lately, I think. I’ve been cherishing the time that I do get with the people I love, fleeting as it may feel…enjoying all of the little things that I tend to overlook sometimes…a text, a call, a “like” on facebook, a new follower on my blog…a lingering hug, a look that speaks more than words could ever say….and of course, hearing and actually taking to heart the words “I love you.”
Its one thing to hear it. But to hear it, and acknowledge in your heart that this person, whoever it is: friend, lover or otherwise REALLY truly means it…
Which leads me to the other reason I’m feeling a little low today.
I have a question that probably should remain unasked…but part of me feels the need to know something about a situation from the not too distant past…I’m sure I’m going to regret asking, but I’m feeling a sense of urgency since this morning.
I’m being cryptic on purpose, to protect individuals who may or may not be involved…I don’t even know if this person reads this blog or not…probably not, to be honest…but in any case…
I’ve decided that at some point or another today, I want to try to have a conversation with this individual, just to get some things set straight before we each move on with our lives…My gut is telling me that I’m going to be saddened at the answer…but maybe my gut will be wrong this time.
At any rate…Sometimes we have to do things that aren’t pleasant, or don’t feel good for the betterment of ourselves. I feel that I will be stronger for obtaining the answer to this question. I feel that I’m stronger already for admitting that I need help.
I know that I’m making progress. I look at my life now, and my life 4 years ago…and I don’t even recognize that weak child anymore.
I have a long way to go. But I’m going to make it. I know I can.
The best part is, and this goes for EVERYONE who reads this:
I can do it on my own. But I don’t have to, because I am surrounded by friends who are walking the road with me. Not FOR me…but with me. They are my support and my cheerleaders. When I fall, they help me up. When I need encouragement, they cheer me on.
Can I do it without them? Of course. But allowing them to be there to help me makes the road that much sweeter to walk.