This is your life…are you who you want to be?

What a weekend. Ups and downs, weird feelings, highs and lows…crying fits and bouts of laughter so hard I almost fell off the chair.

I dislike having such extremes. Friday was just WEIRD. Everyone at work was super social with me, and a girl that I was 98% positive hated me (we’ve had SERIOUS issues in the past) was confiding in me about her depression that she was starting to feel…and she hugged me for listening. Weird. Not bad weird, just completely unexpected.

Of course, I’ve also been in my head about things lately too…some of which I will talk about now, even though I feel really kind of stupid for feeling…

The last few days of last week, I really was starting to feel that I didn’t belong in my own life. DON’T PANIC. We’re not talking about the suicidal “I don’t belong here” type of stuff. I’ve just been feeling lately like…I just don’t quite fit anywhere in my social circle right now. That’s not to say that I don’t have amazing friends, because I do. I love each and every one of you with everything I have in me. But it seems like some people fit better into the group settings that I do. It really upset me a lot, especially Friday. Nothing specific happened, it was just an overwhelming feeling that I don’t belong.

That feeling helped play into the mindset I’ve had, of “I can’t do or say anything right.” So I was afraid to talk for fear of saying something wrong. Which I did. But all has been forgiven, so its not a big deal now.

I got to thinking Saturday, while I was out running my errands, and taking time to just be by myself and to enjoy my own company, that my life is really pretty damn sweet.

Sure, money’s tight. Sure I don’t have a car of my own right now. Sure, I’m not satisfied in my job. Sure I’m not exactly in a “romantic relationship.” Sure, my body has been confusing the HELL out of me by trying to convince me that I do want babies.

But…

I have enough money to pay my rent and bills, and still have a little left over (sometimes it is VERY little, but…) to have fun with. I have an amazing mom who is letting me borrow her car right now, and in a week, Morgan will have a new car…and he is, thankfully, an amazing friend to me and is willing to drive my ass around until I can figure out my own transportation. I HAVE a job. And I’m good at it. The relationships that I do have, while they may not be romantic in nature, are super fulfilling and satisfying…they build me up, strengthen and support me, cheer me on and comfort me. And a handful of them provide…other…comfort. 😉 And the baby thing….well, I don’t really have to worry about that one yet, because I’ve been able to snap myself back out of that mindset…and I’ve already told my body that if we’re going to change our mind and have babies, that we have to wait until we find someone to be in a stable relationship with. I think my body is ok with that.

I’ve been feeling like I don’t fit in in my own life. But then I started trying to find things that bring me joy and bliss…and they are EVERYWHERE!

I had SO much fun making the spaghetti this weekend…even when the onion made me cry so hard I had to walk away from it…I love to cook! I never really knew that before, because I always had someone else who was able to cook for me.

I had a really amazing visit with my family on Saturday too. I can’t really go into details yet, but within a couple weeks, I want to post a blog about how amazing my damn family is. I know that I do tend to complain about them sometimes, but deep down, I really do love and appreciate them. But we had a great visit, with laughter so hard, my Aunt was crying, I was tearing up and almost sliding off the couch. It was great. 🙂

I also got my hair cut on Saturday, and I JUST LOVE it!! Its funny how making a little change like that can change your outlook on things…I feel really kind of sexy with this new hair. You should see me this morning…I put make up on for work. I’m wearing a skirt and heels…I’m rockin it today! I feel SO good!

Saturday night, I got to chill with my friend, and let him try my creation of Spaghetti…and coming from this friend, who is a pretty damn amazing cook, when he said he couldn’t eat it fast enough…that made me feel really good. We got to chill and talk, and it was a REALLY good night.

Then yesterday, I dragged my ass out of bed for a couple ours OT at work, and then got to chill with my best friend on the planet. We had a really really REALLY great day. Chilled out and watched really horrible episodes of “Buffy” (he’s trying to convert me. I think its working.), had a little bit of food, and talked. I was able to get some things off my chest that I’d been wanting to say and talk about for a while, and it was really nice. He did too. Went to bed super super early and slept for almost 10 hours. THAT one was needed. I haven’t been sleeping well lately.

Its funny how the Universe does things like this. Just when I start feeling that I don’t belong, or that no one cares…I’m overwhelmed with support and love, and I’m able to look at things objectively.

I’ve rediscovered some of my passions this weekend too…well, one was a week ago: I’ve started reading like a maniac again. I picked up 4 new books from the library and one of them is ENORMOUS! I’m so excited to read it!

I’m also listening to Middle Eastern music again. I’d forgotten how much I love it. I’m still working on finding my passion for dance again…I love it too much to just stop, but…I just haven’t really been feeling it for a while now. Since before my surgery to be honest…But once I find it….look out world. I’m going to be a dancing machine that can’t be stopped!!!

I guess what this is all coming down to right this second is this:

This is MY life. No one fits into it better than I do. Everything that is happening right this second is how it is supposed to be. All things can work for good, and for self improvement. When I feel the way I felt earlier in the week, that means that something is a little bit out of alignment, and I should stop and take a look. Is it something I can control? Is it something that needs to be changed? Can I control the change? Do I want to change? The only person who can control these things is me. And I can only control what I can control. I can’t control other people: what they think of me, how they feel about me, how they act or react to me. But I CAN continue to strive to be the best damn me there is. The greatest part of this realization? Realizing that I really am trying to be the best me…FOR me. I’m not doing this for anyone else. If others benefit from it, that is amazing. But I’m trying to improve myself for my own sanity and happiness.

Thank you for coming on this journey with me.

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