am i walking down a one way street?

Friendships…any relationship, really, is a two way street.  It is give and it is take, hopefully in equal parts.

Due to some recent posts from many of my friends, and based on some feelings that I’ve been having recently, I’ve started to wonder…am I walking down a one way street?

I look at the relationships that I have with my friends…and…honestly, it feels extremely one sided.

I feel like I am the taker, and they are the givers.  All the time.

I feel that I rarely offer anything of value in return for what I’m given.

I have friends who will sit and listen to me bitch and complain and cry over and over…they give of their time, their resources, their love, their compassion, their patience…and I feel as though I give nothing in return.

I’m not looking for compliments here…I need to be clear on this.  I’m really feeling puzzled and very concerned by this.  I don’t EVER want to be one of those people who just takes and takes and takes.

I don’t know.  It just seems like lately, a lot of people I know are going through difficult times, and when I offer myself, whether its to be an ear, to give a ride, etc. I feel that people just don’t want to have me involved.

Maybe this is a selfish viewpoint.  Part of me feels that they don’t fully trust me, and that bothers the living daylights out of me.  Part of me feels that they don’t want to involve me for the same reasons I don’t like to bother my friends when I’m having a hard time: fear of being perceived as a burden.

So what am I to them then?  What do THEY get from me that they are happy with?  Is there anything they get from me that is good, or am I simply a disappointment?

I also want to make you aware that I am not having a sad emotional day today. I feel fine, and I’m still quite content in my situation.

But…I’m concerned.

I want to give. I want to give and give and give, and help my friends achieve happiness…but I can’t unless they let me.

I don’t know.  I just had to get this out…

If anyone might want to provide some insight…message me privately.

If you want to post here, you can, but I’d prefer to receive private messages.  As I said, I am NOT fishing for compliments or validation…just the answer to two questions:

1.  What do YOU get from your relationship with me?
2.  What can I do to provide what is lacking in our relationship?

I want to improve myself as a person and a friend…

This new situation I’ve put myself in is all about self improvement and discovery…I want to grow and change.

And I am tired of being perceived as selfish.


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