I want THAT ONE! A thought on Entitlement.

I am coming to certain realizations about myself, my friends, my preferences…and the desire that I still have to put others before myself.

I’m sitting in the same coffee shop I sat in just 5 months ago, writing again of self discovery and my journey. I still love the coffee…the baristas who shout crazy drinks at the top of their lungs, and the artwork on the walls.

I’m discovering things about myself on this trip that I think I was vaguely aware of before, but are coming up abruptly now. Such as the fact that I am not a very big drinker anymore, and my taste in drinks, coffees teas, etc.

Being a fat kid/food enthusiast, I am also a beverage enthusiast as well. This goes for sodas, teas, coffees and alcoholic beverages alike. While I am open minded about trying new things…and I am far more open minded that I was previously, I still have certain “rules” that I don’t want to violate when I’m eating or drinking something.

I don’t enjoy extremely spicy foods. I do enjoy a little heat in certain dishes, but I don’t want food so spicy that I can’t enjoy the other flavors in the food.

In the same fashion, when I am having a mixed drink, I want to be able to taste the mixer. If I order a rum and coke, I should be able to taste the rum, AND the coke. I don’t want to be overpowered with either ingredient. I was at a gay club the other night, and their drinks were so strong I couldn’t drink it. Its not that I couldn’t “handle” my alcohol. I can drink with the best of them. But when I’m expecting a rum and coke, and all I can taste is Bacardi (which is also not my favorite rum either)…I’m not pleased. Granted, I think its great that for an $8 drink, I got a very tall glass FULL of rum. But that’s not what I wanted.

I like my coffee sweet. I like a lot of creamer, and a lot of flavor to my coffee. Just this morning, I ordered a large iced coffee with 4 pumps of hazelnut flavoring with lots of room for cream. I found myself a little irritated that the woman who made it for me gave me NO room for cream, and then asked me to take a sip instead of dumping it out. No. I don’t drink black coffee. I specified LOTS of room for cream, because that is how I enjoy coffee. I don’t want to take a sip of something that I’m not going to enjoy simply because you did not follow the directions I gave you.

Is that awful of me? I mean, I’m not raging about it…and I didn’t get outwardly upset about it, but it really kind of ticked me off that she would say that. I don’t know.

There I go with my entitled attitude again. We, as Americans, feel so entitled to everything! I’m entitled to my opinion, and have the right to shove it in everyone’s face, and everyone else is WRONG. I hate that about this country. I find myself increasingly discontent with things because I just don’t like the attitudes of people. I have the same problem though…I mean, look at me this morning. “That woman fucked up my coffee and then asked me to drink it in a way that I find repulsive. HOW DARE SHE!” Well, ok I wasn’t quite that extreme, but…I feel entitled to have my coffee the way I want it. I really should just feel grateful and lucky that I live in a place where I can walk to a coffee shop and order coffee period. But we’ve been brought up to believe that we are ENTITLED to have what we want when we want it…and that bothers the living daylights out of me.

I can’t stand when people aren’t appreciative of what they have. I know I have my moments too, but there are certain things that I try desperately to express gratitude for every day of my life…certain people in my life that I have to say “I love you” to several times a day, lest they think that I take their presence in my life for granted. Lest they think I’m taking advantage of their friendship.

But when I look at people who continually fuck over people, or act like they are entitled to the world and the moon, and who get pissed off when things don’t go exactly how they want…I can’t stand it. People who lie to people that they are supposed to love to cover up for screwing up…and I’m not talking about lying by omission to prevent World War Three. For example…my parents don’t know about my BDSM relationship, nor do they know that I am bisexual. Am I lying by omission, and letting them believe that I’m straight and vanilla? Yes. Yes I am. But the consequences of me telling my 77 year old, highly conservative Christian father that I am bisexual and enjoy getting beaten on a regular basis are FAR worse than them thinking that I’m one of the punters. They would disown me or worse, I think. Maybe I’m wrong. But its a chance I’m willing to take. I’d rather keep my family in the dark about those things (do they really need to know, unless I fall in love with a woman?) than risk my relationship with them.

I just get angry about people who think that its ok to lie because they fucked up and they want to try to manipulate people. Luckily, I don’t know very many of these people. When I discover that people are liars, I tend to stay away from them.

I get angry when I see people flip out because they want to do one thing, but the other person they are hanging out with, or the group of people have decided to do something else…don’t flip out about it! Either suck it up and go with them, or if its something you really don’t want to do, go home. Don’t pout because you didn’t get your way.

This goes for me too. I get sad and upset when I don’t get my way with certain things. I rationalize it by saying that “I don’t ask for much…would it kill these people to compromise every now and again?” And while this is a valid viewpoint, I’m still making excuses for my own poor behavior. What I need to do instead is accept that the people I’m asking something of have their own reasons for what they are choosing to do or not do, suck it up and go with, or go home. But I need to not feel upset that someone doesn’t agree with me, or what I want to do.

I look every day at people. I’ve become such a people watcher. I love to look at people and observe what they are doing, speculate on what they might be thinking…see behaviors and patterns that perhaps I can emulate, and others that perhaps I should avoid. A friend of mine, LITERALLY just posted this quote as I was thinking something very similar: ““If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher.” ~ Pema Chödrön”

This is exactly what I was just about to say, although probably in such an eloquent and elegant fashion.

The people that I encounter that annoy me, that piss me off, that make me seethe with anger, even the ones that make me want to see how well I can make a death look like an accident…all of these people can teach me something. They can teach me how NOT to behave. They can show me the qualities in myself that I need to spend time cultivating so that my behavior does not have a similar effect on others.

I know someone who is insanely negative. A lot. Every time I read a post it makes me want to throttle them. And yet…every time I read a post that is negative, I wonder… “Is this how I used to be? Is this how EVERYONE used to feel when they would read all of the negative shit that I would spew out in a public forum?” I don’t ever want to be like that again. Ever. Mostly for myself. I like myself better with a positive outlook on life. I’m genuinely content. I don’t think about suicide every day. I don’t even think about self harm anymore. But, on a more global scale, I don’t want my friends or people who read my blog to feel the way I feel about my friend. I don’t want people to say “Dear GOD she is SO negative ALL THE TIME!” anymore. I know lots of people have said that in the past, and they had every right to.

I also know that several people probably think that my positivity lately is an act. I will readily admit, I have moments when I want to post something negative. But I think better of it, and decide that it will not only bring other people down, but it will keep ME down as well, and I will be stuck in that awful funk longer than if I just let it go.

Words make things permanent. The amazing, beautiful Jim Henson movie “The Dark Crystal” calls writing “Words That Stay.”

I love that. I really do, because its truth. There is little that can erase words once they are set in ink, save fire. Even early writing couldn’t be erased by fire as it was set in stone.

Words have the power to manifest things. My own thoughts, once they have become words have manifested themselves…sometimes this is good, sometimes its not. But the fact remains that it can happen. I believe that when you write something, especially in this age of technology, when our generation has an obsession with documenting their every move, once you publish something, whether its on Facebook, Foursquare, Livejournal or WordPress…even if you erase it, chances are that SOMEONE has seen it. Someone has read it, and will remember, even if only for a short time.

Since this is the way things go these days, I want to make sure that the things I say, the things I post, and the things I write even in my journal are of a more positive nature. It is highly unlikely that this will be a successful venture 100% of the time, but I certainly can give it 150% of my efforts. Not only will I feel better about myself and my circumstances, but perhaps I can build someone up, rather than dragging others down to the level that I’m at…I don’t want to wallow anymore. I’d rather revel in the fact that I have a great life, even though its hard sometimes.

Even though I’ve been put into situations that I’m uncomfortable with. Even though I’ve made decisions that may not be great or healthy for me, physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually.

I want to lose my entitled attitude and be grateful for all that I have…I want to express my gratitude every day…I want to be genuine, as that is a quality that I look for in friends. I want to be as real as I can be.

This is the only life that we’re given…well, maybe…but I’m going to live this one like its the only one I’ve got, and make it count for something…


Open the skies, and burn it all away…

Life is good.

Even in the midst of loss, confusion, sadness, pain, death and disappointed hopes…life remains good.

I wanted to write this as a follow up to my last blog, just to ensure that you all know that I really am ok.

My balance continues. 
I had a rough day on Thursday, but rather than trying to stifle the feelings, or rather than dwelling on the negativity…I allowed myself to feel what I felt…to write some things down that had been bothering me and send them to a friend, and to get a good night’s rest.

When I woke up the next morning, I felt so much better!

THIS is what balance is.  It is feeling what you feel, and releasing it. 

Its having a WONDERFUL day shopping with a friend, and catching up, and having fun…and then going home and missing someone else so much it is painful…and you cry for about 10 minutes…and are over it.  You don’t dwell on why you miss them.  You don’t dwell on when you will see them or talk to them.  You feel it.  You call a trusted friend and tell them how you feel.  You realize that things are ok, and you move on.

After that 10 minutes last night, I had a good night in with my roommate and his son.  We watched Hell’s Kitchen and Eddie Izzard. 

Today, I woke up late, and was feeling disappointed that I didn’t get to go to the free yoga class my friend was teaching.  But instead of being upset all day, I decided to bring my happy ass up to this AWESOME little coffee shop and write. 

I’ve written more in a story I started back in December, I’m working on a fan project for VNV Nation (Yeah, I know, I’m obsessed.  Shush.) and I’ve got more ideas for my novel. 

Balance isn’t about dismissing the negative.  Its about feeling everything that you feel, but not clinging to it. 

I look at the news feed on my facebook, and I see posts from several of my friends that express depression, sadness, discontent…and I just want to scream: You can change this!  I know that this is how my posts used to be.  I’m sure there are days that people look at mine, even now, and think “Oh my goodness shut UP already!” Like the posts about the douchebag at the DMV yesterday.  Not my finest hour. 

But when every post that I read from a friend is how sad they are, and how alone they feel…I don’t want to read that.  I want to go to her house, shake her and say “There is so much happiness to be found, even in the midst of what you may be going through!” 

If you read my last blog, you know that I’m going through a lot of difficult things, for me.  They may not be difficult for everyone else, but they are for me, and I’m the one going through them. 

Not too much has changed other than my own mindset…I’m not going to allow these things to make me sad anymore.  I do not even let the though of harming myself enter my mind anymore. 

I have to look at all of the amazing things that have happened recently, and all of the great things I have coming up…I’m spending almost a whole week with my best girl friend on the planet starting on Tuesday afternoon/evening in San Diego.  Another lovely friend is coming in to visit next month.  I had a chance to have some quality time with my bestie recently.  I have the best roommate on the planet.  I have amazing friends.  I even found a bathing suit that flatters me!

Life is so good. 
“Shine, shine your light on me, illuminate me.  Make me complete.”  ~VNV Nation.

i feel close to complete myself these days.  I’m getting stronger and better and closer every day…

thank you for listening…