Feelings are fickle crazy things…often confusing and contradicting.
I’ve been “feeling” a lot lately…although…what else is new? I guess the newness is that I haven’t been acting like a complete mental case about what I’m feeling.
Some of what I’ve been feeling though, even over the last few days have felt…really contradictory. One moment I’m so angry I’m plotting murder, the next I’m feeling hopeful and trying to think of ways to help the person who angered me so.
This makes me feel, to put it bluntly, crazy. I haven’t felt crazy in a long time. But how can one person feel such a wide range of emotion about a single person or circumstance in the space of one day?
Anger is the knee jerk response, I see that now. In my opinion, I have every right to feel angry, and to be angry. But the more thought out, compassionate part of me sees the anger, embraces what I’m feeling and says “How can we improve this? How can we help so that this person doesn’t make others feel this way? How can we help so that this person learns?”
By the same token, today, I felt a combination of anger and sadness as my motives were questioned. Angry and sad that someone could possibly think that I would have an ulterior motive for wanting to be helpful. But…the more thought out, compassionate part of me calmed me down and said “This person has been hurt and betrayed by many. Its not you that he’s questioning, its everything and everyone. You were not 100% clear about your reasons.”
I feel that over the last several months to a year that I have made tremendous strides in achieving balance. My emotions really have evened out quite a bit. Obviously I still have moments, days…even a few days in a row. Its something that I will always need to work at.
And I’m ok with that.
I enjoy these moments of enlightenment. These epiphanies that I have…these “moments of brillance”, because not only am I achieving balance in my own life with them, but I am also more prepared to help others to understand themselves, and others.
“Nothings ventured, nothing’s gained, so I must seize the day…”
“Through my eyes, stare into me, I bare my heart for all to see…” ~VNV Nation