Discovery

I had a profound thought during my candle-lit yoga practice tonight:

I am strong.

I’ve felt weak for so long. I’ve been dependent on everyone else for everything in my life, or that’s how I’ve felt.

My arms were shaking, and I did not lift my feet off the ground. I was attempting “crane” pose (hands on the floor, knees basically in your armpits, and feet of the ground)…I had a lot of my weight on my hands, which I’m not used to, and which is why I didn’t lift my feet. I knew I wasn’t ready. But the thought occurred to me: I’m strong. I currently have 227 pounds balanced mostly on my hands. I am strong.

When I came out of it, I moved from plank to chaturanga without collapsing. I am strong.

I’ve battled depression for over 15 years. I am strong.

I’ve beat suicidal thoughts: I am strong.

I’ve been through 4 surgeries on my kidneys before I hit 32 years old. I am strong.

I’ve learned to deal with the chronic pain of my kidneys without rushing to the ER right away. I am strong.

I’ve survived a broken heart. I am strong.

I’ve made progress in battling my negativity. I am strong.

I’ve asked for help. I am strong.

I can do anything.

Because I am strong.

All my bags are packed…I’m ready to go…

I’m feeling very content right now. My body has a mild ache from yoga yesterday, and from the hour and a half massage that hurt so good. My mind is stimulated by the words of the Dalai Lama, and My spirit is feeling as though we are about to embark on an amazing journey.

After a few really great days, and a few really bleak and sad moments…and a tough love conversation…I’ve come to a few conclusions.

In order to really change the way that my mind works, and to get over this constant negative circle that I’ve been living in for my whole life…I need to make several changes.

I need to change the patterns that I’ve set for myself over the last few years. I need to change what I do, where I go…obviously doing what I’ve been doing has not really contributed to my long term happiness, so its time for a change.

I’m going to be staying in a bit more. I’m going to be spending more time alone. I’m also going to be spending more time with certain people that I feel I’ve neglected a lot.
I’m going to stop drinking so much. I’m going to cut my karaoke activity down. I’m going to read more, and speak less. I’m going to cut my online activity considerably. I’m going to meditate, and change my thought pattern.

I’m going to be kinder to myself, and patient with myself.

I’m asking for patience, from all of my friends…positive thoughts, and support. If you don’t see much of me, please know its not about you, its about me needing to find myself. If you miss me, let me know. I will make time to see you and spend time with you.

My heart feels so full right now…I feel as though I’m on the verge of a huge occurrence in my life…I need to follow my heart. I hope that it will bring me to a place of self-acceptance and love.

Beat with an ugly stick

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about beauty the last few…well, who am I kidding. I’ve been thinking about beauty my whole life. But I’ve been really contemplating things here lately.

The problem that I have is that…I don’t think I’m beautiful. In fact…I think I’m pretty hideous most of the time. I think that I clean up well when I really put effort into it, but most of the time, I think I’m just ugly.

I’m about 100 pounds overweight for someone my height. I have ugly scars on my face from old acne. My skin is dry. I have horrid breakouts on my back from stress. I have ugly scars on my fat belly. I have dandruff. My teeth aren’t as white as they could be…they’re still crooked, even though I spent about 6 years in braces and headgear. And no matter how much I brush or floss, my breath is bad. This one is new for me. I’ve had a friend point out no less than 5 times in the last 3 days how bad my breath is. He’s not doing this to be cruel, he’s trying to help me, because he knows how self conscious I am about odor.

Now, I’m trying to address some of these concerns. I’m taking extra care of my oral hygiene starting tonight. I’m washing my face and back with a face scrub. I’m on a diet and workout plan that is going to help me lose weight, so I can finally start to be healthy.

Truth be told, I’m really concerned that my insides are more ugly than my outsides. I’ve been told recently that I’m beautiful outside, but emotionally and mentally hideous. And I can see that 100%. I have a tendency to dwell on all of my misery, because I’m not sure how to get over it.

So…why am I writing this now, during two of the happiest days I’ve had in a while? I’m not sure, really. I’m feeling just a little bit down about this since the end of the day…and I hope that by purging these thoughts in writing, that I can feel better in the morning.

How does one achieve this inner beauty? If I knew, I certainly wouldn’t be writing about what an ugly person I am, that’s for sure.

I look at people that I know and admire, and they are all so beautiful…inside and out. They are caring, giving, They have their lives together…or at least they present the positive far more than the negative. I know that this is something that I need to work on.

So, I’m pledging to meditate more. I started this a few weeks ago, and sadly have not really continued too much with it, but now that my space downstairs is coming together a little better, and now we have a place for exercise and yoga, I’m going to set up a meditation spot, with my Buddha fountain and candles. Frankly, I know that 2 of my roommates won’t mind…and the other two basically have the whole house in disarray…so…I deserve a spot to sit and meditate. I know that this will help me to calm my mind.

I need to quit drinking. Drinking only amplifies the negativity in my head. A glass of wine is fine. Even a shot or a drink…but I really need to control myself better.

Also…and this one, oddly enough, has just come to me, as I sit in the corner of a hookah lounge, typing away, smoking a lovely mix of pomegranate and mint shisha. I need to stop focusing on myself, and think more about other people. I want to volunteer more. I want to give more of myself. Help other people, and stop focusing so much on me. That’s the one thing that really gets me, is how selfless some people are…I want that. Granted, I don’t tend to think of myself as particularly selfish most of the time, but…I do know that when I’m brooding or moody, I tend to focus more on me than anyone else. I don’t like that.

Granted, yes. I need to focus on making myself a better person…but I don’t need to focus anymore attention on what I don’t have. I feel that when I dwell, it only accentuates the ugly.

I want so badly to be beautiful…to be a beautiful person, inside and out. I know that I can achieve this. I’ve already lost a half an inch off my waist since I started dieting. I know its going to be a long battle in the physical aspect.

I’m really hopeful that the mental, emotional and spiritual change will not be such a struggle.

Its in my nature to put others before myself…but now I need to find a bit of a balance.

It always comes back to finding that delicate balance between selfless and selfish. Not putting others so far above myself that I don’t take care of myself and my own needs, but not subjecting others to discomfort or discontent to get what I need.

I feel that I’m close…I’ve been really content the last few days…it seems that just when I’m on the verge of discovering balance, something happens to throw me out of whack. I need to stop being so extreme in my emotions.

I know that positive affirmations of myself will help.

A friend mentioned this last night…she said that she recently realized that she says mean, horrible things to herself all the time. I don’t want to be this way anymore. I’ve started carrying a notebook again, so when negativity comes up, I can write it down. I’m going to burn the notebook when it is full. I’d rather not speak the negativity…I’d rather not think it at all. But until I can control my thoughts a little more, I need to write it somewhere, and pray that the thoughts do not manifest.

I’m not the praying kind much these days, but occasionally I will offer a petition to the Universe or the Goddesses that I relate to in hopes that whatever powers there are…even if its just the divine power in myself…will hear and manifest goodness.

I believe that I have the power to achieve this balance. I believe that I have the power to transform myself into a beautiful being, both inside and out.