Who am I kidding?

 

I’ve been kidding myself.

All these months, all this time…I’ve been lying to myself.

All the times that I’ve woken up and trudged to the gym, only to spend 20-30 minutes there flitting from machine to machine, and doing a “few” different weight training exercises…I’ve been lying to myself.

 

At least I got up.”
“At least I went.”
“At least I did something.”

 

Wrong.

 

In the beginning, sure, that was enough. I was going every couple of days. I was consistent. I’d be on that elliptical for 45 minutes solid. I was taking classes.

 

But, as always, I got bored, I got tired, I got sick…there’s always something.

 

This morning, my alarm went off at 6am. I trudged out of bed, got dressed, drove to the gym, and hopped on the elliptical. I haven’t done that one in a while, so I figured I’d give it a go.

 

20 minutes.

 

That’s all I had in me today.

 

At least I got up and came though. That 20 minutes is better than laying in bed doing nothing.”

 

No, Mina, its not. It suddenly hit me today. Its not enough.

 

I’m not saying that all the times I HAVE gotten up and gone have been wasted, because they’re not. There is truth to the fact that I did get up and go, which is better than not going. But it isn’t enough!

 

My best friend on the planet gave me a good “tough love” talk the other night…at the time I just felt kinda bad and sorry for myself. But it hit me so hard today.

 

He was right.

 

I’m lazy.

 

Its not enough for me to get up and wander into the gym with only 30-40 minutes available to me before I have to go home and get ready for work.

 

Its ridiculous for me to think that eating 2 ½ cups of spaghetti RIGHT before bed is even close to a good idea for someone with my metabolism…especially when I only do 20 minutes on the elliptical.

 

Its insanity for me to think that taking a hug mug of tea (probably 16-20 ounces) with 4 spoons of sugar and whole milk is ok for me to drink EVERY day.

 

A small mug, sure…with 2 spoons of sugar, and a splash of milk. THAT I can do every day as a treat.

 

I need a plan of action, and I think I have one.

 

Over the next few days, I will be setting up gym plans for myself. I’m not going to walk in at 6:20 anymore and say “I’ll try for 30 minutes today.” I know what will happen. I’ll get tired. I’ll get frustrated, looking at all the pretty, skinny girls.

 

No more.

 

I will have a set time on each machine, and I will not falter from that unless I am dying from kidney pain.

 

I will have a set of weight lifting exercises that I WILL do.

 

And I will get my ass up earlier in the morning to allow myself time to do it.

 

I’m done messing around.

 

This is my health and my life…its not all about my vanity, and my “need” to feel attractive. I’m an unhealthy person, and I need to take better care of myself. Period. If I ever want to feel better…if I ever want to perform again…hell, if I want to walk upstairs to the bathroom without huffing and puffing and gasping for air…I need to do this.

 

Its going to be a big change for me. Its going to be hard. I’m going to complain, cry, and try to make excuses for myself. But in the end, I’m going to push myself.

 

I AM STRONG.

 

I’ve already learned this…now I just have to remember it, and push myself.

 

Now. What time is that yoga class tomorrow?

 

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