And so it happened that the heroine of our story finally had everything she had ever wanted: a loving husband, and a tubal ligation.
And yet, she still wants more. She still feels sadness, on occasion.
Isn’t it funny how we chase after things, and wants in order to feel happy?
I always said “If I could just find love, then I’ll be happy.” Well, I’ve found love. I’ve found the most amazing love, which I never thought was possible for me to find.
Truth be told, I am happy. I really and truly am.
This, sadly, does not stop depression from overcoming me sometimes, and I seem to be in the thick of an episode.
2 weeks ago tomorrow, I had a tubal ligation and salpingectomy performed to sterilize myself. I’ve never wanted children. I’ve known since I was 16 years old that I’m just not mother material. I’m a great aunt, and a great godmother. I even donated my eggs a few years ago, because I knew I wouldn’t be using them. Hopefully, there’s a mini me running around, making some family extremely happy. I just don’t want to raise any of my own.
My amazing husband has 2 children that he never gets to see because of awful exes, or exes being in different states, or all of the above. He didn’t want to have any more either. He plans to get a vasectomy as well, but I wanted to get off the hormonal birth control first.
So, at 35 years old, I finally found a doctor who would do this for me, and I’m beyond thrilled.
Yet at the same time, I seem to have this lingering depression that I just can’t shake.
I don’t understand it. I’ve had some really great days recently. We have a new roommate who is actually helping us to get organized and clean the house. We have a living room again! We have people over to the house 4 times in one week, which hasn’t happened since I’ve lived in the house. We’ve always been too ashamed of the house to have people over.
I know where part of the depression is stemming from: I’ve just lost a friend that I’ve been very close to for the better part of 8 years. Not lost as in he passed away…just lost in the sense that he hasn’t spoken to us in over 2 weeks, when we’ve been trying to get in touch.
I realize that things have been different with him for a long time, but I was hopeful that we could remain friendly after he moved out. Apparently, my hope was misplaced. He won’t respond to texts, Facebook messages, or posts. I can’t even get in touch with his mom, and we were always cool. It hurts a lot to know that someone that I still care so deeply for just doesn’t give a damn anymore. It’s hard also to face the fact that the person I still care about doesn’t seem to exist anymore. My old friend would talk to us. This new person doesn’t care. And it’s heartbreaking. I can’t imagine how my husband feels…this was his best friend for a decade.
While I don’t want for this sadness to rule me…how do I process it? I do much better with closure, and I can’t get any. Maybe I should take the silence as closure, and just move on.
The other thing is, that these moods I’ve been in could just be a result of me coming off hormonal birth control pills.
I seem to recall shortly after getting on them, thinking “Wow. My mood swings are much less.”
So now, I am trying to do research on natural mood boosters/stabilizers. I don’t want to be a crazy person, and that’s how I feel right now. I feel unstable, and insane. I don’t like it, but I don’t want to take anything that isn’t natural.
I’m reading into aromatherapy, herbal supplements, anything I can get my hands on to try to resolve my mood issues naturally.
Here’s another factor: I’m heavier than I have ever been in my life. As of my last doctor’s appointment, last week, I’m 234 pounds. I’ve put on 5 pounds in about 4 weeks, even though I’ve been trying to eat better. I think part of it is my salt intake, which I’ve tried to cut down over the last week. What I really want to do, is exercise. I want to take walks, I want to run, I want to lift, I want to do yoga and dance. But, my doctor said to start slowly. I’m not a patient person, so slowly is hard for me to do. But given the fact that I was so exhausted yesterday, I fell asleep around 5:30pm, and slept until 4:30am, I really do need to tone it down.
Sometimes, just through processing these feelings by writing them down, I start to feel better. I’m actually feeling much better about things right now, since I started this blog. I’m still sad, but seeing what the contributing factors are is very helpful to me.
Now I’d rather focus on the good things going on in my life:
I’m married to the best man I’ve ever known.
I’m recovering quickly, and well, from my second surgery this year.
I have 2 roommates who are awesome, chill, and actually give a damn about the house.
I’m dancing again! 4 performances since September, including a competition.
I have amazing friends, who care about me, and let me vent, even when I’m being a whiny dick… or feel like one.
I have a plan for the future, to build credit, and eventually buy a home.
I’m doing well.
I really am.
Sometimes I need a reminder, that it’s ok to feel depressed. It’s something I’ve battled my whole life. I’d rather not make it a battle anymore. I’d rather be at peace with myself and my emotions: the good and the not so good. It’s ok to not be happy-go-lucky all the time. It’s good to sit with your emotions. To find out where they are coming from. To acknowledge them. Then move on.
It’s incredible how much lighter I feel already.