This is the second exercise for my online book club. This exercise was painful, and eye opening for me.
In this exercise we were instructed to really connect to our body. To sit somewhere quiet. To listen to our breath, and think about each body part individually. To really connect.
As soon as I really felt connected to my whole body, I started to weep. Crying, and simply saying over and over “I’m so sorry.”
So much hatred for my body. So much disconnect. So much that I’ve ignored. Hated, dreaded looking at. So much anger at this body of mine for not being different. Stronger. Healthier. Its not my body’s fault. I’ve made the decision as of right now, that I need to do everything in my power to take better care of myself…this goes beyond “Taking care of myself” to lose weight…this is actually really learning to love my body, and do things that it needs me to do. Starting with the following entry, a love letter, and an apology.
My god, I am so sorry. I’ve always felt that there were parts of you that I didn’t like. Things I was unhappy with. Today, I realized that for so long, I’ve been feeling hate, anger, and resentment…but it isn’t your fault.
You see, I’ve been completely ignoring you.
Ignoring steps to make you stronger. To heal you. To make sure that you’re hydrated, fed, healthy, happy. I’ve done things for the wrong reasons for years. I’ve been more concerned with the aesthetics…losing weight, toning up, being beautiful…but I’ve not thought about doing things for you…I haven’t thought about eating healthier food because its what you need. I haven’t thought about lifting weights because it will make you strong.
I’ve felt my whole life that you are my body, so you should serve me. Do what I want.
But I think now that I’ve got that backwards.
You’re my body…and the only one I’m ever going to have in this lifetime…so I really need to make sure that I honor you. To make sure that I care for you. That I love you, and give you the correct fuel. The exercise and work to keep you well and healthy. And in return, you’ll help me to do the things that I love…like dancing and running. But it is a partnership, not a dictatorship.
Dearest body, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe its taken me so long to realize this…to realize that I really truly do have to care for you, deeply, and every day…not just once in a while.
Please forgive my ignorance. Please forgive my anger with you. Please forgive my mistakes.
I’d like to begin again, to have a real relationship with you. To allow you to be cared for in the right ways. Every day.
Because I don’t hate you. Its not your fault. Its mine. And I want to fix it. I want to fix us. And together, we will do great things.