Change is coming from my Shadow

Its been a while, my dear readers.   I have to apologize, I’ve been super busy of late.  I got a promotion at work, and while previously most of my writing was done at work (along with all my reading and knitting), I have tasks that keep me focused pretty much all day, so I struggle to find time to write.

Perhaps that is part of why I wanted to write this blog…

You see…I’ve been in a bit of a depressive state for a few months.
Most of you know that I’ve struggled with depression my entire life.  Over the last few years, I’ve found more of a balance, and I’ve found ways of coping that are healthy, but the last few months, I’ve been struggling.

I have a little bit of a reputation these days for being very strong, and being very grounded.  Today I feel out of control and confused.  I feel very weak.  I want to give in to my depression and go home early from work, and just sleep.  But I can’t.

And so, enter the functional depressed person.

Depression isn’t necessarily a red eyed person crying their eyes out all the time.  Its not the person who calls in from work all the time.  It can be, but not always.

Today, depression looks like a woman who got up and put on her “relaxed/casual Friday clothes” because she couldn’t stand the thought of putting anything other than a HUGE baggy sweatshirt on, because her self image is in the tank.

Today, depression went to pick up my free 8″ birthday pizza, and ate the entire thing in one sitting, within about 10 minutes.  Its overeating.  Its not eating later tonight because I overate at lunch.  Its indulging in my last day of eating carbs before I go strictly back on my low carb diet.

Today, depression hasn’t gotten much accomplished at work.  She’s looked busy, but she’s not doing much.  And next week, she’ll be overwhelmed.  But today, I just can’t.  I don’t care right now.  I just want to go home, but I can’t.  I have to be responsible.

This weekend, depression will dutifully get up and clean the house, because she knows that she has to help out. She doesn’t want her husband to know that she’s depressed, because he’s struggling with his own depression.  He needs me to be the strong one.  I don’t have the heart to tell him that I can’t be strong right now.  I need to go to sleep, and I need to rest, and regain my strength.  So, she will force herself to get up and do what needs to be done.  She wants to feel like she has accomplished something this week, when she knows that she has done so little.

Depression has been nagging at me to sell the workshops I’m supposed to attend in July.  No particular reason, she just doesn’t want to go, even though she knows that its going to be a great learning experience.

Depression today, looks like a girl who is just a little tired, when inside, she’s so exhausted she can barely sit here to type.  She’s feeling sad, and confused, and anxious, and desperate, and lost.  But if asked, she’ll say “I’m fine, just tired.”

I’m functioning.   I know I’ll get better.  But today…there is no light at the end of the tunnel…or there is, but its a train headed right for me.

I try not to post negativity here, or on my social media accounts anymore, because positivity begets positivity.  But sometimes…sometimes I just have to let it out.

I don’t want any of you to worry about me, my dear readers.  I’m going to be fine.  In fact, I’m looking up the practical Self Love things I can do to help me feel better soon.  OOOOH  I found it.  I found the one I wanted.  Look Here.  This post is amazing, and doesn’t trivialize self care down to bubble baths and mani/pedis.  (The post has not been altered at all.)

I know I feel weak, but let me tell you, it takes strength to admit that you’re not ok.
And right now, I’m not ok.

But I will be.

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