Seems like the end of an era…

My husband and I moved into our own apartment this weekend.

This is the first time we’ve lived alone together as a couple.  Years ago, before we dated, he and I had an apartment together for 6 months, but its different when you’re actually a couple.

I found it funny that I ended up scrubbing the bathroom upstairs, just like I did 6 years ago when he first moved into that house.  “So it ends as it began,” I thought.

And yet…so very different.

That house has seen so many residents…relationships…
Morgan, Pat, and Goldy.
Morgan, Pat, Tom, and Stephanie.
Morgan, Pat, Tom, Stephanie, and Kim.
Morgan, Pat, Tom, Stephanie, and me, and the occasional stay of Jessica.
Morgan, Pat, Me, and Todd.
Morgan, Pat, Me, Danelle, Heather, Scarecrow.
Morgan, Pat, Me, Heather, Scarecrow.
Morgan, Pat, Me, and Ira.
Morgan, Me, Ira.
Morgan, Me, Ira, and Skylar.

Not to mention all of the pets:  Charlie, Harley, the ferret, Jessica’s dog (I can’t remember her name), Mossyman, Bug kitty, Misfit, Jack, and Phedra…

This house saw the start of Morgan and I as a couple. The house his book was written in.  The house where he decided that he wanted to marry me.  The house that we came home to as husband and wife.

I’m a little sad to be leaving the place where so many good things have happened.

But in truth, leaving the house is the best decision for us.

After all, this is the house that many of our friendships and relationships dissolved in…the house that so many of my personal demons reside in.  We’ve had struggles, and confrontations.  Passive aggressiveness, lies, deceit…

And so this weekend, we moved into our own space.

Its small, but its just us and the dogs.
I mean…its small.  Its a 624 square foot, one bedroom apartment.
The living room is pretty small…only room for 1 love seat.
The kitchen is pretty poorly designed…for a cook, its a bit of a nightmare.

But its ours.
We’re the only ones living here.  Using the space.  Running the air conditioning.  Using the dishes.
We don’t have to rely on anyone else for anything.  If rent is short, its our fault.  If our bills are outrageously high, its our fault.  If we leave the AC on 77 for three days, its our fault.  No one else’s.

There have been a couple of growing pains already.  The power went out last night.  Not the apartment’s fault, of course, the entire complex went out.  But while it was out, some other residents decided to have a pool party at 12:30 AM, complete with diving, splashing, screaming, yelling, and obnoxiously loud laughing.   We couldn’t reach the security guards.  I’m stopping in the office today after work, because that’s not acceptable.  We signed a “silent swimming” clause in our lease about anything after 10 pm…I only got 3-4 hours of sleep because of their noise (and the power being out.)

The pups are starting to settle in a bit too.  Jack has been anxious for weeks, and has had tummy problems for the last 2 days, but I think he’s finally starting to settle down a little bit.  Phedra is actually eating, and is SLOWLY learning to go potty while on a leash.  Its a learning process.

I’m not sure of much these days.
This year has sucked the life out of me, and its not even over yet.  But the two things I am positive of:  my husband, and the decision to live on our own.

We were trying to move in with friends, and things just never worked out in our favor for that to happen.  I truly believe that the Universe was trying to speak to us.  To tell us that its better for us to have our OWN space at this time in our lives.

This process has been exhausting.  Between not being approved for the perfect house with our 2 best friends and goddaughter (someone else applied first and was approved), to submitting an application with another friend and having him bail, to the actual physical process of moving and unpacking, I’m exhausted.

Mind you, the move itself was pretty painless.  We had some amazing friends help us with loading and unloading, but it was physically taxing.  Mentally too, to be honest.  I don’t think anyone likes to move.

I’m very ready for things to settle down, so we can settle in.
I’ll be working on our closet tonight, and maybe the book shelves too.  We have a friend coming into town tomorrow that we’ve offered our couch to…I would hate for it to be covered in junk.

The apartment already feels like home, though.  I think part of it is just intention.  Morgan and I both just want for this to be a comfortable, safe space for us, and for our pups.  A nice cozy spot for our friends to visit.

I think we’re getting there.

I’m hopeful that with this move, we can leave behind some of the negativity that has followed us around for a while…no more sadness about Pat and his ghosting on us.  No more worry about finances.  No more passive aggressive posts from others (who have no cause to bitch, really).  Less drama.  I can’t really say no drama, because that’s really difficult to come by, but that is the general goal.  More time for each other, and more time for friends.

I’ve been working through The Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte, a book that helps you focus on how you want to feel, and how to achieve those feelings.  I won’t go into deep detail here, you should really check out the book though, its life changing.  The basic premise is that you need to discover your Core Desired Feelings (CDFs) and then figure out ways to achieve those feelings.

This move has put me in touch with several of mine:
BLISS
RESILIENT
STEAMY
SPARKLY
ABUNDANCE
…we’re working on UNCLUTTERED.

Its exciting when things start lining up, and I can’t wait to see what other blessings the Universe has in store for the two of us.

 

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Time after time…

And so, another year draws to an end.
Hogswatch is tomorrow (although we’re celebrating on Boxing Day), and the New Year is just a few days after.

Every year, I like to take some time to reflect on all that has happened, good and bad, to see my growth, and to assess where I want to be next year.  I’ll share with you a few of the highlights:

Morgan and I celebrated one year together, and a few short months after that, we came out publicly about our open relationship.  We received so much love from our friends, it was overwhelming to me.

I attended 3 weddings this year:  One for The Punknecks, one for my dear friends Jody and Jeff, where I was a pirate wench bridesmaid, and the most recent was on Saturday: Wasaabi and Karissa, where I was asked to stand up as a bridesmaid…I was honored to have been a part of all three.

Two of my besties also had a beautiful baby girl, Calliope, who is my goddaughter.  Once again, I was overwhelmed with emotion and joy.  Calliope is a beautiful baby, good tempered, and very smiley.

I embarked on a journey towards reclaiming my health, kicking some of my bad habits, and starting P90X.  In 90 days, I lost 15.9 pounds, 11 inches off my waist, and more from my hips and thighs.  My next weigh in is actually in a few days, and I think I’ve done well these last four weeks.    I’m eating better, making better choices, and getting myself active.  I’ve seen results in the fact that I, generally speaking, have fewer body aches and pains, and can fit into my clothing more comfortably again.

I’ve done 3 photo shoots this year, 2 with my fella Morgan…I’m pleased with the photos, and can’t wait to start diving into more modeling opportunities!

I’ve seen an outpouring of love from friends, during some hard times, financially and emotionally…

I’ve also started learning to play the guitar too.  This one started as a dream that I had one night, and has evolved into a desire to really learn more about music and to play another instrument.

Morgan and I became parents to an adorable furbaby:  Gentleman Jack, a beagle/dachshund mix, has been bringing us joy (and a bit of frustration) for the last month.  I love my sweet cuddle bug, and am so happy that we rescued him.

Of course…there have been some bad things…
Multiple costly car repairs have left us feeling drained, but the car runs, and is able to get me to work.  We didn’t raise as much as we needed for a down payment on a newer car, but we were able to afford the repairs with borrowing very little.

I’ve had some people in my life decide that they no longer wanted to be friends with me, which is sad to me, especially since they didn’t even talk to me about if there was a problem, but all in all, I see it as a positive.  No more needless drama, or ridiculous judgement.

The worst part of this year, however, happened just a week ago:  My best friend of 15 years, Jake, passed away.
He had been sick and struggling with all kinds of health problems for nearly or over a decade (the time frame when the problems started is hazy, but its close to 10-11 years ago).  Last week, his liver and kidneys failed, and he passed at home, surrounded by his family.  I consider myself extremely lucky to have received a phone call from Jake’s brother Donnie the day before he passed.  Jake couldn’t speak anymore, but I was able to speak to him, and to tell him goodbye, and that I loved him.  I’ve been a mess for the last week…good days, then bad…crying fits coming out of nowhere, this has by far been the hardest loss since my GrinGran passed away 13 years ago.
Even with this loss, I’m trying to keep a positive attitude:  Jake isn’t hurting anymore.  He isn’t in pain, he doesn’t have to go to the hospital every month…and he’s been reunited with his parents, sister, and friend Ryan.  The selfish part of me misses him, and always will, but I’m glad that I could say goodbye, and even more glad that he was surrounded by family and the people he loved.

In the coming year, perhaps driven a bit by the loss of a friend who was so young, and had his whole life ahead of him, my goals are simple:  I want to live every moment to the fullest.
I’m going to continue to try to live a healthier lifestyle, curbing more of my bad habits, and making better choices…being active, and trying new things.
I want to spend more time outside.
I want to start working on my “40 before 40” bucket list that a dear friend inspired me to start.
I want to play my guitar more.
I want to love more…be more accepting, more humble…less needy…less demanding.
I want to exercise love and tolerance.

I want to live, and be a better person.
I want to give freely of my love and time, to those who need it.

To all of you who have been a part of my year, thank you.  I love you so very much

A handful of special thanks:
To Karissa and Nina: my two best girlfriends…I love you guys.  I don’t know what I would do without your love, advice, and amazing spirits.  I hope that the year to come brings you two nothing but amazingness.
To Wasaabi:  I love you, my brother.  And I have to thank you for falling in love and making a baby with the awesomest woman who is now your wife.  I love you guys SO much…thank you for always being there, for your help, love, support, and your uncanny ability to make me laugh when I need it.
To Virginie and David: my dear amazing friends, a goal of mine this year is to spend MORE time with the two of you!  I love you both so much for the amazing support you’ve always offered, and for the brain stimulating conversations that we always have…the fun games, movies, drinks…I love you both so much, you are so dear to me.
To Jake:  I miss you so much, and I love you.  I’m glad that you aren’t hurting anymore.  Thank you for helping to shape me into who I am.  Keep an eye out on me…I’ll sing songs for you every now and then, and will always smile when I remember you.
And finally…to the love of my life, Morgan.  My sun and stars…moon of my life…you’re my everything.  As we approach our 2 year anniversary, I have to thank you.  Thank you for choosing to be with me.  Thank you for your affection, for your unwavering support, encouragement,  and love for me…we’ve been through some rough times this year, and you’ve stood by me no matter what…I hope you always know that I love you.  I will always love you.  Together, you and I can conquer the whole world.  I look forward to what this next year has in store for us…we’re going to do amazing things!  I love you so much.

To the rest of my beloved readers, even if I did not mention you by name, know that you are loved by me, and appreciated.   May your holidays be joyful and safe.
Good luck on your ventures in the coming year, and know that you have a supporter here,waving her pompoms for you.

Happy Hogswatch, and Happy New Year!

Me and Jack, the night we brought him home.

Me and Jack, the night we brought him home.

Jack and I at the shelter.  I fell SO in love with him when he climbed into my lap.

Jack and I at the shelter. I fell SO in love with him when he climbed into my lap.

My dear departed friend Jake, in his younger days...

My dear departed friend Jake, in his younger days…

My love and I.  photo by Bright Borders Photography

My love and I. photo by Bright Borders Photography

All my bags are packed…I’m ready to go…

I’m feeling very content right now. My body has a mild ache from yoga yesterday, and from the hour and a half massage that hurt so good. My mind is stimulated by the words of the Dalai Lama, and My spirit is feeling as though we are about to embark on an amazing journey.

After a few really great days, and a few really bleak and sad moments…and a tough love conversation…I’ve come to a few conclusions.

In order to really change the way that my mind works, and to get over this constant negative circle that I’ve been living in for my whole life…I need to make several changes.

I need to change the patterns that I’ve set for myself over the last few years. I need to change what I do, where I go…obviously doing what I’ve been doing has not really contributed to my long term happiness, so its time for a change.

I’m going to be staying in a bit more. I’m going to be spending more time alone. I’m also going to be spending more time with certain people that I feel I’ve neglected a lot.
I’m going to stop drinking so much. I’m going to cut my karaoke activity down. I’m going to read more, and speak less. I’m going to cut my online activity considerably. I’m going to meditate, and change my thought pattern.

I’m going to be kinder to myself, and patient with myself.

I’m asking for patience, from all of my friends…positive thoughts, and support. If you don’t see much of me, please know its not about you, its about me needing to find myself. If you miss me, let me know. I will make time to see you and spend time with you.

My heart feels so full right now…I feel as though I’m on the verge of a huge occurrence in my life…I need to follow my heart. I hope that it will bring me to a place of self-acceptance and love.

Are we dreaming there are better days to come?

I’ve been living in my new home for 2 weeks now, and loving every minute of it.

I’ve really looked at this move as a brand new start for me, and so far, I’m pretty pleased with my progress.
Do I still have moments?  Of course.  Do I still freak out and stress out for little to no reason?  Of course.  (Yesterday morning, in fact.)

The difference being…over the last 2 weeks, I’ve stopped dwelling.  I’ve made decisions that allow me to right the situation, or move on. 

I have a cold.  Today at work, I was walking to the lunch room, and an acquaintance of mine waved at me and asked if I was ok.  I said I have a little cold.  He said that I looked down, compared to the last couple of weeks. 

That astounded me.  Is the change THAT noticeable?  I mean…I know it is for me.  I certainly feel happier.  I wonder if some of it is circumstantial, but I don’t believe that it is.  Take today for example…I feel awful today, physically.  I coughed so hard today I pinched a nerve in my back.  My throat hurts, and I’m exhausted. 
But I’m in a great mood.  I’m not going to let a little thing like feeling ill get me down.  Not today, anyway.

I’m so grateful that I finally seem to have grasped the concept that I talk about wanting to achieve all the time…could it be…a balance?

I’m sure its not a perfect one, and I know it never will be a perfect one. 

I have my days.  We all do.  But the good news is (lately, at least) that when I have my moods, I don’t dwell for days, weeks…etc.  I might dwell, yes…I might be sad for a few minutes or even a few hours.  But I’m no longer going to allow other people’s moods, thoughts, reactions, perceptions etc dictate how I feel about myself.  I’m no longer going to let my OWN negativity dictate how I feel about myself.   My life is FAR too good to be negative. 

This weekend was a whirlwind of activity and emotion.  Highs, and sharp drops to the bottom…one point where I felt so lost and confused, I was literally laying limp in my bed.  But it didn’t last.  I allowed myself to cry to a friend, and was comforted.  And I let go of the bad that I felt, and embraced everything else…the good.  The love.  The comfort.  The support. The highs were incredible.  Indescribable, in fact.  Moments of bliss, moments of laughter so hard I had trouble catching my breath…moments of compassion…moments when I felt like I was doing something really amazing for other people…

I love my life right now.

I really do. And the best part is…the only thing that has changed in any dramatic way is my mindset.  My DECISION to make every day a good one.  My DECISION to look at the great things in my life, and say “fuck off” to the negative things.  My DECISION to have a different outlook on situations.  

You know how most people can post something and say “I love my life” and its only because something really incredible has happened, but as soon as the smallest negative thing happens, they’re all “FML” and “I hate my life.”  Come on, I know you know…I used to be one of them!

Well guess what kids…something incredible HAS happened. To me, to you…to EVERYONE who is reading this…are you ready to know what it is?

You woke up.

You were given another day to make a difference in your life, and the life of those around you.  You were given an opportunity to appreciate the beauty in the world.  An opportunity to express your feelings to the one you love.  An opportunity to laugh with friends.  An opportunity to help someone. 

LIFE is something incredible. 

wow, I sound like an inspirational infomercial or something. 

But its how I feel.  I’m so…content!  I don’t want to say “happy” because that implies something different from what I’m feeling now.  I’m happy, yes…but…even when I have a sad moment, like I had about an hour ago…I’m STILL ok with everything.  I’m content.  I like where my life is headed.  I see great things in my present, and great things in my future. 

Are we dreaming there are better days to come?  No…because they are here.  They are now. 

 

This is your life…are you who you want to be?

What a weekend. Ups and downs, weird feelings, highs and lows…crying fits and bouts of laughter so hard I almost fell off the chair.

I dislike having such extremes. Friday was just WEIRD. Everyone at work was super social with me, and a girl that I was 98% positive hated me (we’ve had SERIOUS issues in the past) was confiding in me about her depression that she was starting to feel…and she hugged me for listening. Weird. Not bad weird, just completely unexpected.

Of course, I’ve also been in my head about things lately too…some of which I will talk about now, even though I feel really kind of stupid for feeling…

The last few days of last week, I really was starting to feel that I didn’t belong in my own life. DON’T PANIC. We’re not talking about the suicidal “I don’t belong here” type of stuff. I’ve just been feeling lately like…I just don’t quite fit anywhere in my social circle right now. That’s not to say that I don’t have amazing friends, because I do. I love each and every one of you with everything I have in me. But it seems like some people fit better into the group settings that I do. It really upset me a lot, especially Friday. Nothing specific happened, it was just an overwhelming feeling that I don’t belong.

That feeling helped play into the mindset I’ve had, of “I can’t do or say anything right.” So I was afraid to talk for fear of saying something wrong. Which I did. But all has been forgiven, so its not a big deal now.

I got to thinking Saturday, while I was out running my errands, and taking time to just be by myself and to enjoy my own company, that my life is really pretty damn sweet.

Sure, money’s tight. Sure I don’t have a car of my own right now. Sure, I’m not satisfied in my job. Sure I’m not exactly in a “romantic relationship.” Sure, my body has been confusing the HELL out of me by trying to convince me that I do want babies.

But…

I have enough money to pay my rent and bills, and still have a little left over (sometimes it is VERY little, but…) to have fun with. I have an amazing mom who is letting me borrow her car right now, and in a week, Morgan will have a new car…and he is, thankfully, an amazing friend to me and is willing to drive my ass around until I can figure out my own transportation. I HAVE a job. And I’m good at it. The relationships that I do have, while they may not be romantic in nature, are super fulfilling and satisfying…they build me up, strengthen and support me, cheer me on and comfort me. And a handful of them provide…other…comfort. 😉 And the baby thing….well, I don’t really have to worry about that one yet, because I’ve been able to snap myself back out of that mindset…and I’ve already told my body that if we’re going to change our mind and have babies, that we have to wait until we find someone to be in a stable relationship with. I think my body is ok with that.

I’ve been feeling like I don’t fit in in my own life. But then I started trying to find things that bring me joy and bliss…and they are EVERYWHERE!

I had SO much fun making the spaghetti this weekend…even when the onion made me cry so hard I had to walk away from it…I love to cook! I never really knew that before, because I always had someone else who was able to cook for me.

I had a really amazing visit with my family on Saturday too. I can’t really go into details yet, but within a couple weeks, I want to post a blog about how amazing my damn family is. I know that I do tend to complain about them sometimes, but deep down, I really do love and appreciate them. But we had a great visit, with laughter so hard, my Aunt was crying, I was tearing up and almost sliding off the couch. It was great. 🙂

I also got my hair cut on Saturday, and I JUST LOVE it!! Its funny how making a little change like that can change your outlook on things…I feel really kind of sexy with this new hair. You should see me this morning…I put make up on for work. I’m wearing a skirt and heels…I’m rockin it today! I feel SO good!

Saturday night, I got to chill with my friend, and let him try my creation of Spaghetti…and coming from this friend, who is a pretty damn amazing cook, when he said he couldn’t eat it fast enough…that made me feel really good. We got to chill and talk, and it was a REALLY good night.

Then yesterday, I dragged my ass out of bed for a couple ours OT at work, and then got to chill with my best friend on the planet. We had a really really REALLY great day. Chilled out and watched really horrible episodes of “Buffy” (he’s trying to convert me. I think its working.), had a little bit of food, and talked. I was able to get some things off my chest that I’d been wanting to say and talk about for a while, and it was really nice. He did too. Went to bed super super early and slept for almost 10 hours. THAT one was needed. I haven’t been sleeping well lately.

Its funny how the Universe does things like this. Just when I start feeling that I don’t belong, or that no one cares…I’m overwhelmed with support and love, and I’m able to look at things objectively.

I’ve rediscovered some of my passions this weekend too…well, one was a week ago: I’ve started reading like a maniac again. I picked up 4 new books from the library and one of them is ENORMOUS! I’m so excited to read it!

I’m also listening to Middle Eastern music again. I’d forgotten how much I love it. I’m still working on finding my passion for dance again…I love it too much to just stop, but…I just haven’t really been feeling it for a while now. Since before my surgery to be honest…But once I find it….look out world. I’m going to be a dancing machine that can’t be stopped!!!

I guess what this is all coming down to right this second is this:

This is MY life. No one fits into it better than I do. Everything that is happening right this second is how it is supposed to be. All things can work for good, and for self improvement. When I feel the way I felt earlier in the week, that means that something is a little bit out of alignment, and I should stop and take a look. Is it something I can control? Is it something that needs to be changed? Can I control the change? Do I want to change? The only person who can control these things is me. And I can only control what I can control. I can’t control other people: what they think of me, how they feel about me, how they act or react to me. But I CAN continue to strive to be the best damn me there is. The greatest part of this realization? Realizing that I really am trying to be the best me…FOR me. I’m not doing this for anyone else. If others benefit from it, that is amazing. But I’m trying to improve myself for my own sanity and happiness.

Thank you for coming on this journey with me.

…just a little smoother in your hand…

The air will always be too filled with something. Your body too sore or tired. Your father too drunk. Your wife too cold. You will always have some excuse not to live your life.” ~ Chuck Palahniuk.

Picture a tumbler used to polish rocks. A rolling drum filled with water and sand. Consider that your soul is dropped in as an ugly rock, some raw material or a natural resource, crude oil, mineral ore. And all conflict and pain is just the abrasive that rubs us, polishes our souls, refines us, teaches and finishes us over lifetime and lifetime. The consider that you’ve chosen to jump in again and again, knowing this suffering is your entire reason for coming to earth.” ~ Chuck Palahniuk.

Interesting image. I recall hearing one similar back when I was a good little Christian girl…that God/Jesus would “refine us in the fire” or that we were stones, and God/Jesus was the river, flowing past us, day after day, smoothing out our rough edges.

I’ve been devouring Chuck Palahniuk’s books over the last couple of days. I find them brilliant. His writing style is very easy to read, and his subject matter is compelling. He captures things, and makes me think, and I LOVE when writers are able to do that.

These quotes are from his book “Haunted.” Its the third book of his that I’ve started reading in a 24 hour period. They both sparked something in me when I read them that I thought was worth investigating.

So we know that if life was easy it would be boring. I’m a big fan of that theory…those who know me also know that recently, I’ve been saying “I’ll take boring! I’ll take boring! Just for a while! Give me boring!!”

But when I look at things that have been happening in my life recently, and over the years…honestly, first and foremost, it could ALWAYS be worse. And these events have helped to shape me into the person that I am right now. How I handle these situations, how I react…they shape me, over and over, lifetime after lifetime.

Over the last 2 days, I’ve hit a rough patch. The problem is…I’ve been beating myself up over my initial reaction to things, and THAT’S why things have been tense for me. That is a pattern that I am having a huge problem breaking.

For example: Let’s say, that a friend said that they would think about maybe going out with me tonight. No promise was made, no definite answer given. So when I wake up this morning, and see that this friend was out late last night, I become upset, and think “Well, I just don’t matter enough, because now you’ll be too tired to go out with me tonight.” Which is LUDICROUS for me to think. I know for a FACT that this person cares about me, and that I matter a lot more than most…just in the fact that this person has put up with me for so long. 😉 

So, practically immediately after this thought comes into my head, I tell myself “Now, you’re just being silly. Of course you matter. HELLO!! Something probably came up. No need to get upset.”

Good? Yes. Mature? Yes. Feel something, acknowledge it. In this case, correct yourself, because your thinking and reasoning is WAY off. Move on.

Ah, there’s the rub. The moving on. Rather than moving on with my morning, I proceed to beat myself up over my initial reaction. “You shouldn’t react that way. You know better. You know you matter. You’re so stupid. What the hell are you thinking? You have no right to get upset over that kind of thing.” Yes. This is a pretty close transcript of the conversation I had with myself this morning.

But why? Why do I beat myself up? Because I feel that I should be doing better by now. I feel that after years of proof that I do matter to people, that I wouldn’t have that knee jerk reaction of “You just don’t care.” I shouldn’t have that reaction. And it REALLY bothers me that I continue to struggle with this.

I know that it is all, of course, conditioning. I realize that the more I work on it, the easier it will be to stop that reaction. Hell, even this morning’s reaction was better than previously. Before, I would have sat and wallowed in the “I don’t matter” thought pattern, rather than doing what I did this morning.

What I really need to work on now is being more gentle with myself when I discover that I’ve had a thought/idea that is incorrect. I can’t continue to beat up and abuse myself over these things. I’m just human. Its going to happen. The best that I can do right now is to redirect my thoughts somewhere else. Focus on the positivity that came from the situation.

For example, for the rest of today, rather than continuing to berate myself for being upset initially, I’m going to congratulate myself for moving on with the thought process. And I’m not going to beat myself up for beating myself up. 😉

Its the self abuse that continues to hold me back…I have these wonderful breakthroughs, these inspired thoughts and realizations…and I don’t dwell on them enough. But I make ONE little mistake, and I can dwell on that for DAYS. Weeks even. That behavior needs to stop, and I know that the only way I’m going to stop it is to be gentle with myself. (See Terre? I listened!)

It all boils down to this: I want to live my life. I want to live in bliss: supreme happiness, utter joy or contentment. I want to be more than just mediocre about my life. I don’t want to waste any of the short amount of time I have left on this rock. Whether that short amount of time is 2 days or 100 more years…time is fleeting. Life is short.

I don’t want to waste a day beating myself up about being upset, when I could have spent that time content in the fact that people find me wise. That my words, my problems that I struggle with…these blogs, my facebook posts (well, not all of them, obviously, but the more poignant ones) speak to people about their own lives.

Few people know this about me, but wisdom is something that I’ve always desired. Its been a sought after “prize” of sorts for me. A few days ago, I wrote about my GrinGran. SHE was a wise woman. She had her shit together. She understood about life. I want to be like her, and have wanted to be like her since I was small.

It brings tears of joy to my eyes to know that I’m getting there. That I’ve attained even a granule of the wisdom that she had.

As a side note…this is not coming from my own opinion of myself. I actually had a friend tell me yesterday that I am “so wise.”

I’m done with excuses. Do I think that I’m going to be perfect? Of course not. No one is. But I am going to stop making excuses. There is no excuse for not living. Even as cynical as I’ve been recently, as jaded as I can be sometimes…wondering what is the point of our existence on this planet… wondering if this is all there is…all things considered…there is still no excuse for not living your life to the fullest. Especially once you’ve hit the “what’s the point” stage. I’ll admit, I’ve been there for some time now.

What’s the point?” Scary words. I hadn’t admitted this to anyone, because, being the way that I am, I didn’t want to worry anyone. I’m not so selfish that I would ever harm myself, or take my own life. I could never do that…permanent solution to a temporary problem….things are NEVER that bad, as bad as they can feel….they are NEVER that bad.

But jaded me has been wondering lately…what is the point? If there’s no god, no heaven, no hell….if there is a god and I’m damned, if there is a god and I’m not…I just don’t see what the point is.

Well, I understand the point. Perhaps its a moment of clarity…perhaps it will escape me once more, leaving me to find the point again and again, lifetime after lifetime.

At this moment, the point is this: Live. Live, and find your bliss. Live and love. Experience. Grow. Change. Find beauty in everything, and everyone. Stop making excuses. Above all, though, right now…Live.

I don’t want my life to be filled with excuses. I want it to be full of experiences: good and bad. Hard and easy. Exciting and boring. No more excuses. And maybe, just maybe, at the end of it all…100 years from now as I breathe my last breath…perhaps I will no longer be an ugly rock, but a beautiful, smooth stone…

The Great Divide…

“Just for a second, look into your heart as you stand and look across the great divide. Remember all the things that you will leave behind as you set out to cross the vast and great divide…You still pulled victory from shattered hope. Count your doubts with broken smiles, covered your hurt in your pride. No need for reasons, none to confide. Look back and bid farewell for one last time.” ~VNV Nation

Yes, I will admit…I’m posting VNV Nation lyrics because I am so unbelievably excited for the shows next week. 3 shows, 3 cities…I can’t wait. But I’m also posting these particular lyrics because they are speaking volumes to me, to my life recently.

I feel like I have grown so much in just a few short months. My outlook on things has become decidedly more positive. Yes, I have my days. Everyone does. Especially the last few days, with the migraine from hell wreaking havoc on my body, mind and emotions; the last few days have been a downward spiral of negativity for me. But, I’m feeling physically better today. I’m feeling emotionally pretty damn good today. I had a really good day yesterday. I got a lot of work accomplished that I’d been putting off all week, due to the migraine. I baked a “dark chocolate” and raspberry cheesecake. (Dark chocolate was in quotes because it didn’t quite turn out as well as I’d have liked.) I made spaghetti sauce from scratch. I cleaned the entire apartment…other than my office. I still need things for that room before I can clean. I cooked a really good, nice dinner for Morgan and I, and we vegged out and watched “Buffy” last night. It was a really good day. The best part was…I was by myself for most of it.

I’ve gotten a bit off topic here, sorry about that.

I believe its an important part of my growth, to show that I’m ok being alone. I still don’t prefer it. I’d rather have friends with me, and around me a lot of the time. But if I have to be alone, I’m ok. I have things that I love to do that I can do. Cooking all day yesterday made me feel wonderful! Granted, it wasn’t a masterpiece, but I took some advice about how to make it better, and will be working on it for the next time I make the sauce. Before I would have just cried. I didn’t even tear up!

I went to the library the other day and picked up a ton of books. I go through cycles where I forget just how much I LOVE to read. Reading is nurturing to my soul. Whether I’m reading a good novel, or self help books, or biographies…I LOVE to read. As an aspiring writer, it also helps to motivate me. I’m going to work on my short stories tonight, and then…well…I’ve been thinking about writing a novel. I’m still not sure, but its something that I desperately want to try…

I’m doing things for me these days. If other people happen to benefit, so be it. But I’ve gotten back on track with my new year’s resolution: to be #1 in my own life. I’m not putting up with drama, or drama causers, or bullshit anymore. I’m doing things that I enjoy, and that I think are fun. Yesterday was just one example. I LOVE to bake. I don’t do it enough. It just so happens, that I decided to try to bake a cheesecake…and Morgan benefited from it. (as will others, if I decide to share. It was pretty good. Not as good as the red velvet, but its a work in progress!)

The other thing I’m very proud of myself about is my will power this week. I decided after trying on my dress for my Black Belt Ceremony/birthday bash that I need to drop a few pounds. So…I stopped drinking coffee. I stopped drinking soda. All week last week, after Monday (or was it Tuesday?) I had water only. Yesterday I had a cup and a half of tea, and about a half a cup of Dr. Pepper. Today, I’m having a cup of Earl Grey while I sit at Starbucks and write. I have 2 bottles of water in my bag for the rest of the day. After cutting out JUST coffee and soda, and watching what and how much I eat (no fast food), I’m down 2.5 pounds in 1 week. Healthy, and happy. Now that this stupid migraine has gone away, I’m going to do some cardio and yoga this week as well. Partially to help me lose this weight, but partially because I feel better as a person when I work out. I have more energy, I’m happier…especially yoga. I love the mind/body connection.

I feel like I’m taking better care of myself, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I’m spending more of my time talking with people who uplift and support me (thank you Morgan and Joy) and spending less time worrying about those who bring drama into my life. I’m watching what I do and say, to make sure that they align with how I truly feel, lest I bring drama into my OWN life. I’m continuing to be true to myself and my feelings. I feel less like a doormat.

“ Remember all the things that you will leave behind as you set out to cross the vast and great divide.” I’m remembering. And I’m bidding “farewell” to the doubts. The Negativity. The drama. The fear. The helplessness. The lack of self control. The craziness. The jealousy. The self-loathing, self-defeating…the self-hatred.

I’m stepping out across the great divide…and into a better, brighter, more healthy future for myself.