Random musings for a Friday morning:
I’ve been thinking an awful lot about friendship these days.
What makes a good friend. Am I a good friend? How strong or fragile are friendships these days? Are you really a friend if it takes just one tiny thing for you to not want to be around someone? Is the fragility of our friendships intensified by how offended everyone gets about everything these days?
Am I a good friend? I try to be. I try to be supportive of my friends, and what they want to do, what they are passionate about. When I have the ability to, I like to help my friends out: drive them places, buy lunch, get a little gift, go to a performance, babysit, pet sit, house sit. Above all, I really try to be there and be available for them. If they need someone to listen to, cry to. Need advice. Need a hug. Need cheese and wine. Need a night out.
By the same token…when others don’t do these things for me, it upsets me. Not that friendship is a “Do this for me, and I’ll do this for you” arrangement, because its not. But if I am constantly inviting you to come see me dance, because I want to share my passion with you, and you never ever EVER come to see me…that hurts. That makes me feel like you don’t care about what I’m passionate about. I understand that people have lives. But if I always make an effort to share in your passion…can’t you do the same for me one time?
I think of my friends from back home.
My friends that I’ve not really been in much contact with outside of casual Facebook interactions…but these same people, the people I’ve knows for 15 years or more…many or most of them are people that I can talk to as if no time has passed. We get along. We trust each other. There’s no weird tension. I am not afraid of offending these people. They know who I am, who I’ve always been. We can disagree, and even argue without worrying about losing each other.
I look at my friends here in Vegas, and I do have some friends that I feel that way about.
But the longer I’m here, the less I feel that many of my friendships are “real.”
Maybe its just Vegas.
I recently saw a girl that I am not friends with, that I haven’t spoken to for 6 years come up to me and try to hug me, and she said she loved me. No, honey, you don’t. You’re high, and a drama addict. I’m not your friend, to be honest, I don’t even LIKE you. I haven’t given this girl the impression that we are friends, but here she is, trying to be all “I love you” to weasel her way into my life.
How many others here are like that? How many will say they love me to my face, but talk about me behind my back?
How many friends invite me over, begrudgingly? How many friends only put up with me because I’m friends with their friends?
How many friends keep their true feelings about me hidden away?
I’m not asking for a million friends. Lord knows that I don’t get to see or talk to the ones that I have now.
I just want quality friends. I want people who truly care about me and about my husband. I want people in my life who are honest, who will tell me to my face if there is a problem. People who don’t thrive on drama or chaos. Obviously I know that avoiding things like this are difficult, but I just don’t want to be around people who thrive on it. People who seek out drama like a bloodhound, to insert themselves into someone else’s business.
The thing is, life is too short to spend energy on people who don’t care. Or people who have no respect for you. Or fake people. Or people who talk about me behind my back, and resort to high school behavior.
I want friendships that last. I want people who are willing to fight for our friendship. Not people who are willing to drop me (or us) without even trying to fix things.
Over the last year and a half, I’ve lost people that I thought I’d be growing old with. People who were in and at my wedding. People I’ve been intimate with. I don’t understand why. I don’t understand what happened. I haven’t changed, other than trying to make myself a better person. My husband hasn’t changed: he’s still the crazy, uninhibited, caring, passionate person he’s always been. Sure, both of us have been a little on edge lately, but with friends starting to drop left and right, wouldn’t you be?
Then there’s the strain of people who want to remain friends with me, who aren’t friends with my husband, or vice versa. Morgan has friends that I don’t want to have a relationship with. Some of these people I still care for, but I cannot be friends with them. It isn’t healthy for me. Others, I simply cannot stand, whether its due to their character or something they have personally done to me…I can’t do it. I can’t even fake being nice to some of these people. It makes things difficult on both of us, and in turn, can make things awkward for other friends. We don’t ever want to do that to our friends…
I have friends who six months ago called me family, who can’t even give me a “like” on Facebook posts anymore.
And it upsets me.
Truly. I don’t give love or trust easily. I’ve been hurt a lot in the past. Especially in the past 2 years. I’m cautious and anxious about investing in people. But once I’m there…once I love you, I love you.
I don’t understand how people who once said that they loved me can barely speak to me when I haven’t done anything.
Maybe I’m being passive aggressive by making this post, but if I’m honest…they will probably never see it. I feel like they don’t see or comment on anything I post anymore, even though I do on their things.
Not that Facebook is the be all end all of friendship, but when its been the primary form of communication for years…getting cut off like that…I don’t get it.
Once again, here I am, affected far too much by other people.
Maybe the problem is my standards are too high.
I expect people to treat me and my family with respect and consideration. I know that I certainly try to do that in my interactions with others. I’m not perfect, by any means, but…man. I’m just so flabbergasted at how quickly I’m seeing friends drop, and seeing other friends get dropped for ridiculous reasons. Or with what seems to be no reason at all.
Me? I don’t unfriend or drop my friends lightly. I do when I feel disrespected. I do when I am being used. And on Facebook, if we NEVER interact, I’ll unfriend you, because you’re most likely not really a friend anyway.
I miss my friends.
I know its ok to miss them.
Hell, I miss Pat sometimes so much it makes me want to cry.
But that friend…the Pat I loved and miss…he doesn’t exist anymore.
Do these friends not exist anymore too? I hope that’s not the case. I keep hoping that maybe…just maybe, something will happen, and things will be good like they used to be. We can all hang out without there being awkwardness. There can be poker games, and karaoke, and pool parties, and late nights drinking. Dinners, and games, and all of the things that I’m missing, terribly.
I feel I should note…this is not about just one group of friends, but several people who have dropped out of my life over the last couple of years. I know it might seem like I’m focusing on one group, but I promise, I’m not. There have been several, two of whom basically vanished without a trace.
As it is now, Morgan and I have been spending a lot of time with my blood family recently. This, I am grateful for. I’m beyond grateful to have a family who is supportive, loving, and caring. I’m even more grateful to be so close to them. When we lived on the other side of town, we had a hard time getting over to see them.
This year, we have been doing dinner with them at least once a month, if not every week or two. We’ve seen movies together. 2 days ago, we took my niece and nephew up to Mt Charleston together, and just had the most beautiful day.
I’m also grateful for those friends who remain. Friends who truly ARE family. Who can do the hard talks, and the fun times. Who understand when things aren’t going great that we do love them, we just can’t afford to go anywhere. Friends who consistently offer support and love during trying times. Friends who are incredibly selfless.
I hope that someday I might get back to that point with some of these absent friends. I know for a few, its too late, if for no other reason than I haven’t had a way to talk to them in years. But for some…my heart still aches.
Maybe I am too sensitive.
But its who I’ve always been.
From My Hands
So much I thought, I’d have to say
though I try to speak, my meaning strays
We can”t avoid the facts that brought us here
I have come to say goodbye
The lies I try to tell with my own eyes
An act of pride, a wilful compromise
Please understand how torn I am
when I walk away from here
I lament the moments we won’t share
If I am far too sentimental, I apologize
Please understand, this is who I am
and who I’ll still be when I’ve walked away from here
You know that I am not unkind,
when I say: in the future, the past is just the past
No going back, no change of heart
But this is now
Time will not defer
My thoughts betray, so easily confess,
how long I’ll wait here after you have gone
Nothing ends but I don’t believe that now
Please don’t walk away from here
When alone, when I remember days,
nothing will change a single fact of who you were to me
Oh, come what may, forever to the end
I find it so hard to let you go
Let it go now
There’s no need for sad goodbyes
Let it go now
I know it’s time to go
Time to let this fall from my hands