Healing up…or “why I don’t get paid to read X-Rays.”

The last few days have been rough as hell for me.

I had my ESWL procedure back on the 19th…and it was by far the WORST experience of my life.  Except for that time that Dr. Lesani left a surgical clip inside of me by accident.  (I say by accident, because he not only didn’t tell me he was leaving it until 2 weeks later, when a CT scan thought it was a stone, but when I had my second procedure, my GOOD surgeon, Dr. Kassahun, said that it wasn’t doing anything in there.  Sometimes they’re left in to hold a blood vessel or something, but this one wasn’t doing anything.)

Anyway. Where was I?
Oh yeah, the ESWL.

So.  We got to the hospital at 3:00pm.  I hadn’t had anything to eat or drink since 8am that morning. I was feeling a little dehydrated.
When the nurses tried to start my IV…they missed.  3 times.
On the last attempt, the nurse hit a nerve, sending searing hot pain into my right hand, between my middle and ring finger knuckles.

I legit cried, sobbing hysterically, for 20 minutes.  It hurt SO bad.  I’ve never had an experience as bad as this one.
The anesthesiologist came and took me back, and he gave me gas to put me under, and HE started my IV.

Doc started my procedure off by letting me know that there was a good possibility that they wouldn’t be able to blast the stone completely in one go.  Being an 18 mm stone, it was pretty big…better to set my expectations low.

My recovery was weird.  As I got further away from the surgery date, the more pain I was in.  Specifically, this past Friday and Monday, I was in so much pain I could barely see straight.  I was miserable.  Painkillers didn’t help.  Heating pad didn’t help…

I had my follow up appointment yesterday though, and got much better news than I anticipated.

You see, when I had my x-rays done about a week and a half ago, when I got them home, I looked at them, and could have sworn that I still had a big chunk of stone left.  I was ready for my doctor to tell me that we had to schedule another ESWL.

Not only was I WAY wrong…there were just a few small remnants, which doc said he thinks will be 100% passible on their own…but we also removed the stent.  Instant relief, let me tell you.  INSTANT relief.

Today, I feel a little sore.  I’m tired from being back at work and not laying down all day.  But I’m much better.

Doc also said I can start exercising again in a few days.  I figured I’d wait till I’m no longer peeing blood, and then I’m going to GO for it!!!

Its a relief to me though.
I truly am SO excited to get back into the swing of things, and back into my routine.

Inhale

Inhale.

Fresh, hot, summer air.
Puppy Breath.  Peanut butter and jelly.

Exhale.

Pain, surgery, fear.
Heat, discomfort, depression.

Inhale.

True love. Sex. Passion. Lust.
Love.  Acceptance.  Trust.

Exhale.

Hurts, past failures, “what ifs.”
Grudges, Dislikes, hate and anger.

Inhale.

Best friends.  Sunday dinners.  Movies.
Girls day.  Dancing. Karaoke. Love.

Exhale.
Inhale.

Breathe through life.  Inhale the good, the amazing, the powerful.
Exhale the negative. The Scary, the painful.

don’t exile it.  Experience it.  But don’t live there either.

Enjoy every second.
Pool games, and darts, and drinks.
Cigarettes and beer.
Love, and laughter.

Enjoy the hard things:
Pain. Sufferng.  Confusion.  Loss…there is a lesson in everything.

Learn to accept.
Leartn to let go.

Enjoy it.
Breathe.

Inhale.

Exhale.

The ball of knives

There is a sharp, intense throbbing pain in my heart.  A pain that never ceases, although at times my spirit seems numb to it.

I look inside my heart and see an iron ball of knives has lodged itself deep within.

I focus on the pain, I magnify it, looking for a way to end the suffering of my heart.

The knives have tiny barbs along the edges…they dig in, and tear the flesh when they are moved.  The knives are old and rusted.  They’ve been lodged here ever since I can remember, growing and causing pain…

I look at myself with this ball of knives lodged deep within the chambers of my heart, and I can see the pain…I see the never-ending tears, the anguish, the vulnerablility…

Now I visualize myself without this seemingly endless pain…

I see a radiant woman who smiles all the time.  She is dancing with joy and passion.  I see she is confident and strong.

I look into her heart…perhaps she has learned to live with the pain…but there is nothing inside her heart but love and thankfulness.  Her heart is scarred, but whole.  Whole and healed.

I reach my hand out to her.  She smiles at me.  She says “Its ok.”  She holds me.

I know this woman, although its been a very long time since I’ve seen her.  But she gives me hope…and she gives me assurance that I can be rid of this pain, ever-present, within my heart.