Are we dreaming there are better days to come?

I’ve been living in my new home for 2 weeks now, and loving every minute of it.

I’ve really looked at this move as a brand new start for me, and so far, I’m pretty pleased with my progress.
Do I still have moments?  Of course.  Do I still freak out and stress out for little to no reason?  Of course.  (Yesterday morning, in fact.)

The difference being…over the last 2 weeks, I’ve stopped dwelling.  I’ve made decisions that allow me to right the situation, or move on. 

I have a cold.  Today at work, I was walking to the lunch room, and an acquaintance of mine waved at me and asked if I was ok.  I said I have a little cold.  He said that I looked down, compared to the last couple of weeks. 

That astounded me.  Is the change THAT noticeable?  I mean…I know it is for me.  I certainly feel happier.  I wonder if some of it is circumstantial, but I don’t believe that it is.  Take today for example…I feel awful today, physically.  I coughed so hard today I pinched a nerve in my back.  My throat hurts, and I’m exhausted. 
But I’m in a great mood.  I’m not going to let a little thing like feeling ill get me down.  Not today, anyway.

I’m so grateful that I finally seem to have grasped the concept that I talk about wanting to achieve all the time…could it be…a balance?

I’m sure its not a perfect one, and I know it never will be a perfect one. 

I have my days.  We all do.  But the good news is (lately, at least) that when I have my moods, I don’t dwell for days, weeks…etc.  I might dwell, yes…I might be sad for a few minutes or even a few hours.  But I’m no longer going to allow other people’s moods, thoughts, reactions, perceptions etc dictate how I feel about myself.  I’m no longer going to let my OWN negativity dictate how I feel about myself.   My life is FAR too good to be negative. 

This weekend was a whirlwind of activity and emotion.  Highs, and sharp drops to the bottom…one point where I felt so lost and confused, I was literally laying limp in my bed.  But it didn’t last.  I allowed myself to cry to a friend, and was comforted.  And I let go of the bad that I felt, and embraced everything else…the good.  The love.  The comfort.  The support. The highs were incredible.  Indescribable, in fact.  Moments of bliss, moments of laughter so hard I had trouble catching my breath…moments of compassion…moments when I felt like I was doing something really amazing for other people…

I love my life right now.

I really do. And the best part is…the only thing that has changed in any dramatic way is my mindset.  My DECISION to make every day a good one.  My DECISION to look at the great things in my life, and say “fuck off” to the negative things.  My DECISION to have a different outlook on situations.  

You know how most people can post something and say “I love my life” and its only because something really incredible has happened, but as soon as the smallest negative thing happens, they’re all “FML” and “I hate my life.”  Come on, I know you know…I used to be one of them!

Well guess what kids…something incredible HAS happened. To me, to you…to EVERYONE who is reading this…are you ready to know what it is?

You woke up.

You were given another day to make a difference in your life, and the life of those around you.  You were given an opportunity to appreciate the beauty in the world.  An opportunity to express your feelings to the one you love.  An opportunity to laugh with friends.  An opportunity to help someone. 

LIFE is something incredible. 

wow, I sound like an inspirational infomercial or something. 

But its how I feel.  I’m so…content!  I don’t want to say “happy” because that implies something different from what I’m feeling now.  I’m happy, yes…but…even when I have a sad moment, like I had about an hour ago…I’m STILL ok with everything.  I’m content.  I like where my life is headed.  I see great things in my present, and great things in my future. 

Are we dreaming there are better days to come?  No…because they are here.  They are now. 



The Great Divide…

“Just for a second, look into your heart as you stand and look across the great divide. Remember all the things that you will leave behind as you set out to cross the vast and great divide…You still pulled victory from shattered hope. Count your doubts with broken smiles, covered your hurt in your pride. No need for reasons, none to confide. Look back and bid farewell for one last time.” ~VNV Nation

Yes, I will admit…I’m posting VNV Nation lyrics because I am so unbelievably excited for the shows next week. 3 shows, 3 cities…I can’t wait. But I’m also posting these particular lyrics because they are speaking volumes to me, to my life recently.

I feel like I have grown so much in just a few short months. My outlook on things has become decidedly more positive. Yes, I have my days. Everyone does. Especially the last few days, with the migraine from hell wreaking havoc on my body, mind and emotions; the last few days have been a downward spiral of negativity for me. But, I’m feeling physically better today. I’m feeling emotionally pretty damn good today. I had a really good day yesterday. I got a lot of work accomplished that I’d been putting off all week, due to the migraine. I baked a “dark chocolate” and raspberry cheesecake. (Dark chocolate was in quotes because it didn’t quite turn out as well as I’d have liked.) I made spaghetti sauce from scratch. I cleaned the entire apartment…other than my office. I still need things for that room before I can clean. I cooked a really good, nice dinner for Morgan and I, and we vegged out and watched “Buffy” last night. It was a really good day. The best part was…I was by myself for most of it.

I’ve gotten a bit off topic here, sorry about that.

I believe its an important part of my growth, to show that I’m ok being alone. I still don’t prefer it. I’d rather have friends with me, and around me a lot of the time. But if I have to be alone, I’m ok. I have things that I love to do that I can do. Cooking all day yesterday made me feel wonderful! Granted, it wasn’t a masterpiece, but I took some advice about how to make it better, and will be working on it for the next time I make the sauce. Before I would have just cried. I didn’t even tear up!

I went to the library the other day and picked up a ton of books. I go through cycles where I forget just how much I LOVE to read. Reading is nurturing to my soul. Whether I’m reading a good novel, or self help books, or biographies…I LOVE to read. As an aspiring writer, it also helps to motivate me. I’m going to work on my short stories tonight, and then…well…I’ve been thinking about writing a novel. I’m still not sure, but its something that I desperately want to try…

I’m doing things for me these days. If other people happen to benefit, so be it. But I’ve gotten back on track with my new year’s resolution: to be #1 in my own life. I’m not putting up with drama, or drama causers, or bullshit anymore. I’m doing things that I enjoy, and that I think are fun. Yesterday was just one example. I LOVE to bake. I don’t do it enough. It just so happens, that I decided to try to bake a cheesecake…and Morgan benefited from it. (as will others, if I decide to share. It was pretty good. Not as good as the red velvet, but its a work in progress!)

The other thing I’m very proud of myself about is my will power this week. I decided after trying on my dress for my Black Belt Ceremony/birthday bash that I need to drop a few pounds. So…I stopped drinking coffee. I stopped drinking soda. All week last week, after Monday (or was it Tuesday?) I had water only. Yesterday I had a cup and a half of tea, and about a half a cup of Dr. Pepper. Today, I’m having a cup of Earl Grey while I sit at Starbucks and write. I have 2 bottles of water in my bag for the rest of the day. After cutting out JUST coffee and soda, and watching what and how much I eat (no fast food), I’m down 2.5 pounds in 1 week. Healthy, and happy. Now that this stupid migraine has gone away, I’m going to do some cardio and yoga this week as well. Partially to help me lose this weight, but partially because I feel better as a person when I work out. I have more energy, I’m happier…especially yoga. I love the mind/body connection.

I feel like I’m taking better care of myself, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I’m spending more of my time talking with people who uplift and support me (thank you Morgan and Joy) and spending less time worrying about those who bring drama into my life. I’m watching what I do and say, to make sure that they align with how I truly feel, lest I bring drama into my OWN life. I’m continuing to be true to myself and my feelings. I feel less like a doormat.

“ Remember all the things that you will leave behind as you set out to cross the vast and great divide.” I’m remembering. And I’m bidding “farewell” to the doubts. The Negativity. The drama. The fear. The helplessness. The lack of self control. The craziness. The jealousy. The self-loathing, self-defeating…the self-hatred.

I’m stepping out across the great divide…and into a better, brighter, more healthy future for myself.