i AM AMAZED

I have had the MOST amazing day.

There is SO much to say…first of all…lets start with…

I woke up with the WORST cramps of my LIFE!  Well…maybe not, but they were pretty intense this morning, and they were threatening to ruin my mood.  But I got up and showered, and felt a little bit better, and then I took an Excedrin Menstrual, which was wonderful…it felt good to NOT be taking a freaking percocet for my pain.

So…I got dressed in my comfy clothes for the doctor’s office, drove over to Dr. Newman’s office and picked up my records, and then headed over to meet Dr. Kurtz for a second opinion.

I liked him!  He was so nice.  He told me that the invasive surgery that Dr. Newman was talking about was 100% not necessary.  He did tell me that I DO need to fix the defect with my ureter, as if I leave it alone, I could lose kidney function, but right now, they’re functioning just fine.

He said that he as a colleague who does laparoscopic surgery, and has set me up with an appointment with him.  He’s also going to be sending me for a few more tests, one of which Dr. Newman never did. (I get to pee in a jug for 24 hours. lol!)

So after that, I went for a Tarot reading.  I’m not going to go into specifics here, because I feel that this was my gift that I was given.  I know some of you are interested, and so to you, I will send a private message about the experience.  Suffice it to say, that I WILL be going back to see her again.

And then…the hard stuff that I was worried about.  I went to see a bankruptcy lawyer today.  The only way that I’m ever going to move on, and get my own place, and become an actual grown up is to get rid of my debt.  So…I’m filing for bankruptcy.  The lawyer is amazing, and super nice, and assured me that it will be a painless process, and all my credit card debt AND MEDICAL BILLS will be taken care of.   Too bad I can’t put my upcoming surgery on it, eh?  😉  Thats ok though, because when I do have my laparoscopic surgery, I’ll be in a better place financially and will be able to pay my part of the fees easier.

So my friends…hopefully, this will mark the beginning of a journey:  remember the confident woman I wrote about in my first blog entry here?  She’s resurfaced…my roommate Pat hugged me tonight, and said “this is the  Mina that I miss.”  Morgan told me tonight that he’s proud of me.  Goldy said that she’s excited to see me so excited and full of courage and hope…and I’m excited to feel this way.

It feels amazing to have your gut, your heart AND your head all in line with what you need to be doing to improve your life.  I know that I’m on the right track.  and I’m AMAZED at how wonderful life really can be.

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I want to bone a duck and boil a live lobster

I do.  I want to bone a duck, and boil a live lobster.  I’ve been watching “Julie & Julia” a lot lately.  I love the story.  People accomplishing their dreams…overcoming difficulties…being fearless…it makes me want to cook!  But it also makes me want to figure out what the hell I’m doing with my life.

I can’t help but feel a little lost sometimes.  Here I am, 30 years old, almost 31 for crying outloud, and I don’t really know what I’m good at, or what I’m going to do with my life.  I’m learning…I’m a decent dancer, but I could definitely use practice.  I’m a good teacher.   My feedback from the Intensive proved that.  Everything was marked “good” or “excellent.”  🙂

I’m also a good baker.  I bake delicious brownies and cookies, and make a lovely (if not just a little lopsided) cake and homemade frosting for the FIRST time today!

My GrinGran would be proud of me, I think…for the frosting anyway.

The other thing that I’m always so inspired about is blogging and writing when I watch this movie.  I’d love for one day to know that people read this…even if its only a handful.

I want to work on my memoires…I started over a year ago…I was writing a book, and I just stopped.  I need to start working on it again.

Oh that I could find a publisher to give me an advance…then i’d have something to work towards.  Anyway, I’d have the means to focus on it.  But, I shouldn’t let that stop me.  I’m a good writer.  I just have to focus.

So…perhaps over the next week, I will set up a schedule for myself.  Dance practice every day, and then time to write and work on my memoires.  Hm.
Dinner is almost ready, and friends will be over soon for Becca’s birthday.  I’m going to relax for a little while before people get here, and I am hoping to have a lovely night in.  Class tomorrow, and then visiting with Brooke for a little while before she moves back to Seattle.  Then, Harry Potter with Morgan, and who knows what the rest of the night will hold for me.  Maybe game night…maybe Disney movie night…maybe I’ll sit my ass at home and work on my memoires. 😉

craziness

Why is it that when things start to get crazy in one aspect of your life, they get crazy in another, and it snowballs until it feels like your whole damn life is fucked up?

Dr. Newman thinks that I need surgery for my kidney/ureter.  I’m getting a second opinion.  I went in for a CT today, and got the results…I have 2 more fucking stones.  2mm and 4mm.  Sadly, the stones aren’t causing the blockage in my kidney, so I may very well need to have surgery after February.

I don’t know where I’m going to live come December.  It looks like my roommate’s ex is more than likely moving out here in about 2 weeks, and when our lease is up, I don’t know who is going to be living with who, or how this is all going to pan out.  I know that I’m scared.  I don’t want to go back to mom and dad’s…but I don’t want to be in an uncomfortable situation either…I want to be a bigger person than I’m being right now, and say that everything is going to be ok, but…its going to be really bloody difficult, and I can barely make it three days without crying over this whole situation as it is now.

I don’t know what I’m going to do about my bills…I need extra money, and don’t really have a way to make any…its to the point now that I’m thinking about doing porn.  Sad, I know.

Plus…there’s someone who is interested in me, but I don’t know how I feel about this.  He’s really nice, and he’s kind of cute…but…god, my heart is so broken right now, just the thought of getting involved with someone else makes me break into a cold sweat.  I don’t want to get hurt again…

I know that I can’t hold on to this fear…its crippling me.  I just hate change, and I hate NOT knowing what the fuck is going to happen…I know that I have a feeling in my gut about a lot of this, and I don’t like the feeling at all.  But I can’t tell anyone about it, because people don’t believe that my “feelings” like this are accurate.  Which is fine. Everyone is entitled to feel how they want to feel…

I just want to feel anything but scared, confused and depressed.   Angry, Happy…content…something different.

I will say this…I do feel grateful…grateful to have friends that I can vent to, friends that guide me…friends that listen and offer their advice and opinions…i feel most grateful to a particular friend of mine, who has given me so much over the last 2 years…i’m grateful for him every day.

I have to go take something for this pain…its becoming pretty bad…looks like another damn night that the laundry’s not getting put away.  I just can’t…I can’t do it now…